This post is about my least favorite trend in hardcore: tryhard little kids adopting the persona of what we might call Fake Real Metal Kids. You are probably asking yourself what this means, but it’s actually pretty simple. As we all know, Real Metal dorks are those obnoxious losers who base their whole identity on the fact that they know everything there is to know about metal and they will take every opportunity they can to lord their worthless knowledge over you.
They suck, but what’s even worse are Fake Real Metal Kids: hardcore kids who have rebranded themselves as Real Metal kids, complete with the same exhausting tendency to beat you over the head with how they’re sooooooo metal. Only unlike actual Real Metal kids, they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Basically, it’s someone who a) fetishizes the concept of being “metal” and then b) does it completely wrong but with the same (or sometimes worse) attitude. So if you see a kid acting all superior patrician for listening to super entry-level bands of the 90s (Type O, Biohazard, Morbid Angel, Sepultura, Obituary, etc) who doesn’t know shit about anything except the most popular Roadrunner bands, you probably have a Fake Real Metal Kid on your hands.
Some photo documentation:
Fig 1. In this photo we have an almost perfect snapshot of someone transforming from Real Hardcore kid to Fake Real Metal kid. The transition really couldn’t be any more perfect: entry level punx band (Descendents) -> entry level Real Hardcore bands -> (Backtrack, Expire) -> entry level metal bands. Cannabis Corpse lol, fucking poser.
Fig 2. Typical example of a Fake Real Metal Kid. 2.5 years ago his favorite band was Stick To Your Guns and he wanted to get a tattoo of their logo but his mom wouldn’t let him so he pulled his For The Fallen Dreams hoodie over his head and pouted for a week. Now his instagram feed is full of pics of Type O Negative and Crowbar merch. “IM ONLY 17 BUT I THINK 90S DEATH METAL IS THE BEST. ALL THE KIDS AT SCHOOL LISTEN TO WHITECHAPEL AND IM JUST LIKE GET A LIFE U LOOSERS” (note: has never heard of Cynic, Demolition Hammer or Unleashed. Just his new favorite bands Morbid Angel and Obituary.)
Fig 3. Girls can be Fake Real Metal Kids too. Congratulations on listening to Cannibal Corpse in 2014! Gold star for finally discovering a band that the rest of us discovered in 1991 and got sick of by 1995.
this = Fake Real Metal Kids in a nutshell
Of course, like all insecure tryhard trendhoppers, this identity will also be temporary and they’ll move on to the next step of their journey to find themselves as an alternative person. What’s next depends on the person and what’s cool on tumblr at the moment, but typical options are indie rocker, cycling enthusiast, paleo/crossfit nerd, and EDM DJ. See my “Tutorial on growing out of hardcore” for more on this.
It’s no secret that I kind of hate metal and especially metal culture. I highly suggest not having a “metal phase” at all, but if you’re going to do it, please at least do it right. If you’re going to “go metal” please at least listen to metal bands who actually have some currency. Being way too into the LEAST CREDIBLE, most entry-level, obvious 90s metal bands is literally the worst development in youth culture ever and i think we can all agree that it is literally worse than the holocaust!!
