Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Myspace, the scene was ruled by a quintet of Christian lads from Dayton, Ohio who went by the unlikely moniker of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. The scene-prophets held council and declared them the heirs to the throne, The Next Big Thing. But alas, it was not meant to be, and the prophecy remains unfulfilled. Sit back in the overstuffed, high-back leather chair next to the fireplace in your library, your faithful mastiff curled up at your feet as the cold winds of the moors rattle the shutters of your Victorian mansion, and read on for more details regarding the tragic tale of TDWP…

lms if ur still listening to “HTML Rulez D00d” in 2014

If u can remember back to 2007 or so, if someone asked u to bet on who would be the breakout scene metalcore band, the smart bet would have been TDWP. Sure, ADTR, BMTH, SUICIDE SILENCE and ATTACK ATTACK had their fans but TDWP were definitely at the top of the heap and rising fast. They had it all: the Rockett gear, the synth breakdowns, the zany song titles, and the legions of jailbait groupies. I saw them on Warped 2009 and they CRUSHED it– one of the biggest crowds I have ever seen at Warped. It seemed like they could do no wrong, but it wouldn’t last forever (*VH1 “Behind The Music” voiceover/montage sequence*).

Fig 1: Compare the viewcounts of their recent videos with the ones from their Myspace-era peers BMTH… Even new kids on the block BEARTOOTH have them beat. ouch :/

Fast forward just a few years and the tables have turned: ADTR, BMTH and OM&M are all Billboard top ten #hardrock bands, and TDWP is in “oh, they’re still a band?!” territory. Even BLESSTHEFALL charted higher than TDWP’s last album, the BLESSTHEFALL is pretty much just the poor man’s TDWP (but importantly, with a much cuter singer).

Fig 2: TDWP circa 2014. Not sheriff they dress like semi-employed drifters as a fashion statement, or if they actually ARE semi-employed drifters 

What caused this sad fall from grace? The fact that they look more like smelly vagrants every year probably has something to do with it, given that their scene is and always has been more about how cute the singer is and how GIF-able his stage moves are than the music. But their music isn’t helping the cause: the crabcore world has clearly moved on to #hardrock, but they’re still playing Myspace-style Risecore with zero hooks.

That might have worked in 2008 when breakdowns were still at a premium, but the market for breakdowns bottomed out in the great scene crash of 2012 (“Is Glamour Kills too big to fail??”). Ironically, when I listen to TDWP’s newest album, it just kinda sounds like a BLESSTHEFALL knockoff band to me. Mb instead of writing lulzy pretentious books about their lyrics, they should have focused on copying LINKIN PARK and SLIPKNOT riffs like the rest of their genre was doing in 2013.

Fig 3: newish single, which pretty much sounds just like the old stuff except somehow less interesting

It also probably doesn’t help that they are signed to the post-Monte Conner version of Roadrunner, alongside other “oh THEY’re still a band?” acts like THE AMITY AFFLICTION and “halfway between Ozzfest and Mayhem” bands like HEARTIST, where you’re not really sure who actually listens to them aside from the fat girl who you always see wearing their shirt waiting for the bus across the street from your work.

Whatever the case, let this be a lesson: the scene is a cruel mistress. With one hand she gives, and with the other she takes away. Don’t let this be you– don’t be the last guy on the block clinging to outdated trends. If everybody else is doing something, you should do it too. If the other kids think something is cool, you should say that you think it’s cool too. Just go with the flow, or u could be the next vagrant passed out behind the Greyhound station telling every kid with tattoos who walks past how u were the synth player in TDWP for 3.5 shows.

Once upon a time, Pete Wentz was in a band called VEGAN REICH (aka VEGAN JIHAD). As u might guess from the name, VR were vegan (as was the fashion at the time). But they didn’t stop there: they were pro-life, pro-ecoterrorism, anti-gay (more or less), and eventually turned into Muslims! Baffling, I know– but it happened, and these were the beliefs of the “movement” that VEGAN REICH started, called Hardline.

This post is not intended to be the definitive history of the hardline “movement” because, well, I don’t care. And I was never really a part of the hardline “inner circle” so I’m sure I will get some of the details wrong. The point of this post isn’t to go into exhaustive detail about the history of hardline, it’s a cautionary tale. It’s intended as an illustration of what happens when you take ultra-PC, mega-leftist white person behavior to its logical extreme– like American History X if it was about vegan hardcore kids instead of nazis. This, my friends, is the endgame for what happens if the Tumblr-fication of hardcore continues unchecked *horrified face emoji*

this is the band who started it all, VEGAN REICH. this is their 7″, from 1990 which i used to think sounded rly dated but now has turned the corner and kinda sounds relevant again. if this came out on Reaper Records in 2014 it would be the hypest RIDETHELIGHTNINGCORE shit– with those vocals its almost like TWITCHING TONGUES meets ALPHA AND OMEGA!

A lot of Kids These Days seem to think that Hardline is/was basically just “xtreme straightedge,” but that couldn’t be more wrong. Hardline was a combination of deep ecology, survivalist culture, and various religions cobbled together that was way way more than just abstaining from drugs. Hardline:

• believed that abortion was murder (eg ABNEGATION “The fetus is a life!!!”)
• favored “direct action” aka terrorism in defense of animals/the earth. For example, burning down fur stores and shooting hunters. Popular sticker was “it’s ok to kill people to save animals.”
• was opposed to all sex that was not for procreation (which made them kinda anti-gay by default)
• had a strong religious/spiritual component, which initially included rastas, christians, and buddhists but then took a turn toward Islam in the late 90s

If you’re thinking “what a fucking weird combination of super wacky leftist shit and religious fundamentalism,” you basically hit the nail on the head! It more or less boiled down to a belief in using violence to defend “natural order,” and (you guessed it) they were the ones who got to define what was and was not “natural.”

this was one of the big Hardline “publications.” that they called it “Destroy Babylon” should give you an idea of what the tone of the writing was. also, hard lol @ them spelling it “homocide” by mistake. “justifiable homocide” sounds like the name of a Malevolent Creation demo.

It all began in 1989 or so with Sean Muttaqi, who started the band VEGAN REICH that was the voice of Hardline (along with their “official publication” Vanguard, which was just a photocopied zine). It picked up some steam and peaked in the mid-late 90s when there were “chapters” in places like Memphis, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Germany, and Poland and it thought of itself as a “movement.” Although the “movement” was, realistically speaking, maybe a couple dozen people worldwide with a few hundred people like me who were kind of “curious dabblers” that followed Hardline but weren’t really part of it exactly.

side note, Sean’s label Uprising Records is now the home of artists like HER DEMISE MY RISE, DR. ACULA and T-MILLS aka the most lulzy awful scene bands that only chubby middle school girls from Riverside listen to:

my personal favorite T-MILLS song, which Sean Muttaqi put on on his label. not sure how putting out songs about drinking and banging random hos fits into the whole “vegan Muslim fundamentalist” thing but ok.

Over the next few years, things kept getting weirder and weirder as the “movement” became more extreme. What started with embarrassing/naive but harmless stuff like protesting fur stores and gluing the locks of McDonalds turned into something much darker as people started going to prison and getting indicted by the feds on terrorism charges (such as Walter Bond and Jeff Leurs). A lot of the hardline guys I knew were real into guns and talked about moving out into the woods and cutting themselves off from society… which sounds a lot like Ruby Ridge but with a soundtrack by RAID and ABNEGATION instead of RAHOWA.

 lol @ how Hardliners would get indignant about being labeled as terrorists by the authorities. I mean, how could anyone ever get a terrorist vibe from an organization that uses guns, arabic writing and the word “jihad” in its logo?! Weird!!!

From what I can tell, Hardline is pretty much dead as a “movement” these days, with the closest surviving relative being the 90s-style vegan sxe moshcore bands from weird places like Santiago, Rome, and Warsaw and communicate mostly via the Catalyst Records forum (and btw, no disrespect meant– Kurt is a solid dude, backed hard)

Kids, don’t let this be you. Let this be lesson: this is what happens when you let Special Snowflake Syndrome go unchecked. It’s not enough to be vegetarian, you have to be vegan. It’s not enough to be vegan, you have to be raw vegan hardline. And so the battle for alternative white people to one-up each other rages on, and it’s not other until someone goes to fucking FEDERAL PRISON on TERRORISM charges! Be smart like our friend Pete Wentz. Retreat from the battle of Special Snowflake-ism, start a pop punk band, bang Ashley Simpson, and ride off into the sunset.

The image above says it all: merch just isn’t what it used to be. Walk into a Hot Topic in 2014 and instead of being blinded by a rainbow of giant, neon cartoon imagery reflecting off of foil print “Stay Brutal” shirts, you have little more to choose from than black, white and several shades of grey *crying face emoji*

If u miss the glory days of coontail extensions, flatirons and sidekicks then this post is for you!!

What better way to start than with (former) scene icons THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA? At the time I thought they had their merch game on lock (and I guess they did in terms of sales) but most of these are shockingly shitty in terms of aesthetics and borderline childish– like, they wouldn’t look out of place at all in Deliah’s or Justice.

Of course my personal favorite is the “before they were tr00″ collection. Hey TWY, CARNIFEX and WHITECHAPEL, you’re not fooling us– we remember when u had neon cartoon animals on ur shirts like 3 years ago.

Not only was this PIERCE THE VEIL shirt an excellent example of the “cartoony block letters” aesthetic, they somehow managed to get placed in TWO of that year’s biggest crossover hit videos (JASON DERULO “In My Head” and NEW BOYZ “You’re A Jerk”). Myron hard.

ALL TIME LOW dropped a few hammers in the neon era, most notably these two– I *LOVE* the “middle school girl’s doodles” aesthetic and they nailed it. I found the artists site once but lost the URL. His work was awesome though, and a fixture in the “scene” section of the Hot Topic t-shirt wall!

While putting this together i noticed that there was a whole subgenre of “light blue shark” shirts. Probably a few more I didn’t even find. Weird.

For one of the most neon bands ever, FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS had a surprisingly small amount of iconic neon merch. That said, their good stuff was REALLY good– I owned both of these.

I consider this the “missing link” stage between neon and tr00: you can tell they’re trying to be “metal” but the colors are too bright and the drawings are too good/fun.

And last but not least, the undisputed kings of neon monster scene merch, ROCKETT– featuring a truly spectacular SET YOUR GOALS shirt. *standing ovation gif*

What was YOUR favorite neon merch? Will this aesthetic make a comeback after people are tired of grey and floral print logo merch?? Should we all confront today’s tr00est bands with the evidence of their neon past???

Dictionary.com defines evolution as “any process of formation or growth; development”. We see evolution EVERYWHERE. Not just in plants and animals, but in art too. Do you ever think to yourself, “where did all the awesome scene music that I enjoy today come from? What are its origins? What was music like before the breakdown?“  Well, believe it or not, it actually came from hardcore punk from the 80′s. I know what you’re probably thinking: “there was hardcore music in the 80′s?” Or maybe if you’re aware of this ancient form of hardcore, you might be confused as to how such a brainless primitive style of music could evolve into something so ravishing and beautiful. Let me show you how. But in order to do so, we have to go back to the very start. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: an inclusive account of the evolution of hardcore.

1978 – The Beginning of “Hardcore”

Don’t let the album title mislead you, there are no breakdowns. 

So this marks the beginning of hardcore. I put hardcore in quotations because I’m not really sure why Black Flag is even considered hardcore, despite being regarded as the seminal pioneers of the genre. I mean, they’ve never even used the fast beat, which is supposed to be the basis for all of these primordial hardcore bands. Even Asking Alexandria have used the fast beat. That makes them more hardcore than Black Flag. BF just sort chugs along (no, not the good type of chug) at a neanderthalic pace, much like the proconsul primate seen on the far left of the evolution chart above. Actually, since they’re more like proto-hardcore, I would relate them more to the aegyptopithecus zeuxis.

I think they reunited last year, but just a small-type gig, for friends and family and stuff. I heard their kids came to see them play after they got babysitters to watch over their kids (BF’s grand-kids) while they were away at the concert. But that’s not to say to say that BF doesn’t have any non-blood related fans. A few BFF’s (Black Flag Fans) have assembled this weird blog in which they have photoshopped BF shirts onto hundreds of celebrities. It’s like they have some sort of strange fantasy that involves important people acknowledging or caring about their niche little thing.

 Lol, Simon Cowell wearing a BF shirt… yeah right. BF’s singer would get roasted so devastatingly bad during an American Idol try-out that he leave the room crying.

That awkward moment when the dude wearing a Nickelback shirt is more believable.

Kim Kardashian repping Black Flag? Not likely. Maybe if the shirt said “Black Dick”.

Well, Christopher Walken is like 70, so this one is possible.

Apart from these obsessive BFF’s fan page, I did some research on their singer and found out he’s a whiny old man…

Can you believe a senior citizen is acting like this? He’s displaying the maturity of a little kid! Everybody’s poking at him? Who does he think he is? The pillsbury doughboy?

Why did they get an 8 year old to interview him? Could he not handle an intellectually stimulating conversation had by two adults? They had to get someone who’s more on his level?

1981 – Hardcore Gets Fast

Not sure why it took 3 years to come to this development but this marks when hardcore discovered the fast beat. Minor Threat were the first band to incorporate the fast beat into their music. Much like a baby’s first words, it’s cute… but it’s not very impressive. Music aside, Minor Threat were known more for the popularization of two important hardcore ethos, the “Do It By Yourself” mentality and the “Straight Edge” lifestyle, both of which would become inapplicable in the near future.

Don’t let their PC white boy demeanor mislead you, Minor Treat has been met with some controversy. Apparently they caught heat for the lyrics of their song “Guilty of Being White” for being perceived as racist. I didn’t check many of their other songs but I think lyrically that must be their best one and it’s actually really relevant today considering how oppressed straight white cisgender males are today all over dumb blogs on the internet. Minor Treat only lasted a couple years I think because they thought the music they were making was crappy so they broke up and started another band.

Check out how rude their singer is. The lady is asking him a bunch of valid questions and he just ignores her like she doesn’t even exist! Things that Ian Mackaye is “too cool” for: drugs, alcohol, professional record distributors and show promoters, interviews.

Are people sure he doesn’t do drugs? He seems pretty drugged out to me here, rambling about all this incoherent nonsense. Hippies on acid could probably come up with better jargon.   

1984 – Hardcore Gets a Little Bit Less Shitty

This is where you can tell production value gets a little bit better. They maybe even went to a studio I think. I’ll admit, when someone first showed me this album, I would’ve thought it was from maybe like 1986, not 1984. But let’s be honest, it’s still pretty fucking crappy. Their song “Not Just Boys Fun” served as a white knight anthem at the time, pioneering a new sub-genre of hardcore known as “fedoracore”.

“UGH, fuck all these ignorant ass jocks who pay money to come see us play and disrespect all of the non-existent women at our shows.”

Channing Tatum repping the fedoracore aesthetic.

1989 – Hardcore Becomes (Somewhat) Listenable

Gorilla Biscuits paid homage to the idea of “evolving hardcore” on the cover of their album “Start Today”. Unfortunately they were far from the homo sapien stage of evolution. 

Now, don’t get it twisted, I said listenable, not good. Right now we are approaching the ardipithecus ramidus stage. A new style of hardcore emerged in the late 80′s called “The Youth Crew”, which was a small circle of bands who had the idea of taking the energy of hardcore and mixing it with the musical sensibilities of a good genre. Most bands who attempted this did not have such great results but one band that kind of had the right idea was “Gorilla Biscuits”. I’m not sure why they named themselves after a street drug when they were a straight edge band. That’s like starting a vegan hardcore band called “Filet Mignon”.

One of the members of the youth crew… post-youth. 

1995 – Hardcore Gets Heavy

While bands like Gorilla Biscuits focused on adding melody to hardcore, bands like Earth Crisis added heaviness. Now, these guys were straight edge and vegan, so you can imagine how preachy their lyrics are. I’m not sure if they were atheism-pushers, but I wouldn’t put it past them. While I do respect Earth Crisis for being heavier than their ancestors before them, they are pretty boring and super dated. I would liken Earth Crisis to the homo habilis stage of evolution. They were very primitive and used stone tools such as the ones on their album cover, but until they start gaining the nutritional benefits found only through eating meat, they will not be able to evolve to the next stage.

1999 – The Dawning of Fake Hardcore and the Fashioncore Revolution

We are now approaching the modern era. Songwriting is becoming better, production is becoming crisper, musicianship is becoming tighter, breakdowns are becoming more plentiful. To represent this era, I have chosen a very advanced track by Poison The Well in which they use the “scream verse, sing chorus” song structure that is found in almost all modern Scenecore. Meanwhile, a band called Eighteen Visions was pioneering a new aesthetic in hardcore that would soon be known as “fashioncore” and served as a progenitor of forthcoming scene fashion.

Eighteen Visions sporting their fashioncore look.  

Jonny OC, the vocalist of popular ignorant mosh-turned srscore band Liferuiner was a huge fan of the fashioncore scene during its heyday.

2004 – Emotional Hardcore

In the mid 2000′s, bands started innovating a new genre of HC called “emotional hardcore”. They usually sung about depressing stuff like slitting their wrists and applying eyeliner. I’m not going to bash it too hard though because it is the closest related ancestor to Scenecore. I guess that would mean it is what the homo erectus is to the homo sapien. I would say that Underoath is the single most important and influential band to the Scenecore genre. They stuck out from the rest of their peers with a certain flair that the other bands lacked. They are like the caveman who discovered fire. When I’m older, I want to start a Scenecore museum, and when I do, Underoath will be the first band that will be inducted into it.

2007 – Early Scenecore

Early Scenecore (also sometimes referred to as “Classical Scenecore”) was pioneered by bands such as A Skylit Drive, Escape The Fate, Alesana, Blessthefall, and Drop Dead, Gorgeous. These bands paved the way for every Rise Records band with a $40,000 recording contract and a 3 year life expectancy. Homo sapiens are thought to be divided into two subspecies: homo sapiens neanderthalensis and homo sapien sapiens (otherwise known as anatomically modern humans). Think of this stuff as the neanderthalensis and modern Scenecore as the latter.

Beau Bokan from Blessthefall rocking a Minor Threat shirt in AP Magazine. Not sure why he is wearing it but at least it’s good promo for MT. Not that a band that’s been broken up for 40 years needs promo. I wonder how he got it? Was there an old folks home next to the Goodwill where he picked it up?

2010 – Modern Scenecore

The modern era of Scenecore was vanguarded by crabcore innovators Attack Attack (RIP) and scene heavyweights such as We Came As Romans, I See Stars, and Asking Alexandria. Modern Scenecore is defined by ballsier breakdowns, catchier choruses and pro-er production. Laced brilliantly with state of the art synthesizers and vocal processing, modern Scenecore can best be described as “the cutting edge”. I remember this era so fondly and the feeling of excitement and curiosity that I experienced upon hearing some of these bands for the first time which will probably not be replicated ever again in my life. This is the Homo sapien sapien. This is the modern human. This is what fundamentalist Christians think God skipped all of the other subordinate steps to get to. It is truly the cream of the crop, the crim de la crim… or is it?

2014 – Progressive Scenecore

Issues is a band that is pushing the boundaries of what we know as Scenecore, paving the way for all future innovation to come. You’re probably thinking – but where can the genre go from here, after such an advanced band like Issues has set the bar so high? Is this it? Is this the pinnacle? Well, if you asked me in 2010 if I thought there would be a Scenecore band with a scratch DJ, a seasoned R&B singer, and 1.5 black members, I would probably say no. Yet here we are. The point I’m trying to make is that evolution is an ever-progressing development that cannot be stopped and we should feel privileged to be living in such an exciting era, thanks to bands like Issues, who continue to expand the horizons of such an already vast scenery. The sky is the limit, my friends, the sky is the limit.

Oh, and for all the nerds who are going to be like “this stuff doesn’t have anything to do with hardcore” or “this isn’t what hardcore evolved into”. Let’s take a look at the top tag of the most popular currently active Scenecore bands on last.fm. What you’re about to find out might shock you…

I rest my case…

Rare fossil discovered by a modern day scene kid.

Where do you see the future of the Scenecore genre heading?  Are you a creationist and just skip to 2010 to pretend that all of the anatomically and musically inferior stuff never happened? Will there ever be a band that is more advanced than Issues?

If u aren’t familiar with the concept of ‘peak oil,’ it’s pretty simple: the basic idea is that at some point, we will reach a point at which the maximum rate of oil extraction is reached, and after that its all downhill until we end up in a Mad Max-like apocalyptic nightmare where you’ll shank someone over a gallon of gas. I think the idea has a lot of merit, but what i’m really wondering is, are we close to ‘peak cassette??’

has merchswap culture reached it’s zenith? has the novelty of jizzing over dead media formats and longsleeves finally begun to wear off?? or am i just being hopelessly naive and optimistic, my sanity worn thin after neon was killed before my eyes, replaced with shoegaze, sadbois and bucket hats???

when its gets to the point where we are talking about ‘represses’ of fucking tapes, i think it is safe to say that we have reached ‘peak cassette’

If you’ve ever been a part of any music scene, you’ve probably known that one guy who some would identify as a “poser”. Actually, there’s a good chance you’ve known a bunch of them. Perhaps you even were one and maybe you still are (s0 many options!). You know, those kids who are super into whatever is trendy at the time, until it becomes too trendy so they move on to the next lesser trendy thing, which in turn becomes the more trendy thing due to everyone migrating at the same time (sort of like when a toilet overflows, soon enough there will be more shit-water on the floor than there is in the bowl). Then all of a sudden, when they turn 18-22ish*, (*age differs greatly depending on the poser, some prehistoric posers linger for longer) they magically stop caring about music and stop going to shows, once they are able to find popularity through some other type of medium, and successfully manage to escape whichever dark domain of the alternative music world that they were trapped in.

I’m guessing metal in this case means Asking Alexandria.

“Posers” are usually seen as the enemy in the eyes of any “ELITE MUSIC FAN”. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard one of these elites go on a rant about how much they hate posers and how they’re “ruining the scene”. In worse cases, sometimes bands do it. Well, if you identify as one of said people who hates posers, I’m sorry to break it to you, but these posers are a vital component to the music scene and could possibly be more important than you…

5 Seconds of Summer member flaunting his OG crabcore cred. 

First off, let’s talk about merch. If you really are the real music fan that you claim to be, then you won’t feel the need to prove to anyone how into (insert band) or (insert genre) you are. The poser feels the complete opposite. They feel the need to validate themselves. So they dress the part. You bought one of your favorite band’s shirts? That’s cool. The poser just ordered their entire merch catalog. He is contributing in a very important way by financially supporting the band. In the perfect world seen through the eyes of a “real music fan”, all of a band’s support would come from their fan’s undying love and appreciation for the music. Sorry bros, it doesn’t work like that. Gear costs money. Recording costs money. Gas to fuel their tanks so they can make it to the next show costs money, which brings me to my next point…

 Chart exaggerated slightly for effect. 

See, these posers account for a certain number of attendees at a show. As much as some people don’t want to admit it, music is a business, and supply and demand is the name of the game here. Every person who pays at the door (poser or not) is helping contribute to make this show happen. For all you die-hard true fans, does being around these “posers” really lessen the experience of going to see a band you like? Let’s say you’re seeing one of your favorite bands, is it really going to bother you that much that the dude next to you is lip syncing to lyrics that he doesn’t know? Or maybe he doesn’t care much for the music and just really enjoys moshing and stage-diving? He’s probably having more fun than you are. He’s part of the reason why you even get to see the band play in the first place.

In an elitist’s ideal world, none of these posers would come to shows and it would only be people who are all about the music and super passionate and crap, but that’s just not realistic. I’ve witnessed promoters cancel shows because next to no one bought tickets. Why wouldn’t they? They have to pay the venue and the bands and that money has to come from somewhere. I saw a band play in the basement of a record store and me and my friend were the only people that showed up and paid at the door. This band came from Winnipeg. That’s a 24 hour drive. They drove 24 hours to play to two people. Please, if you are one of those people who fantasize about this magical land without posers, trust me, dis ain’t what you want.

So next time you come across a poser, give him a high five, or even try to become his friend. From my experience, these types of people are a lot better adjusted socially than the ones who are super into the music. If you’re awkward, it always helps to have some normal friends. If the music you’re into is trendy with a poser-ridden fanbase, be thankful for it. Consider it a compliment that people even think the type of music you listen to is cool enough for them to want to be a part of it. Hope that it stays that way for as long as possible, because sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Have you had any funny or memorable experiences with posers? Do you find that posers are usually a lot more chill than the ppl who are “rly into the music”? Do you think that elitists ranting about posers is more cringe-worthy than anything any poser has said or done?

It’s October, and you know what that means: alternative white people won’t shut the fuck up about how excited they are for Halloween. Whether it’s lots of unwanted details about all the various ideas they have for zany costumes, lists of what zombie movies they’ll be watching this weekend, or just gushing about “omggggg i can’t wait for halloween *pumpkin emoji*”, you can bet your paycheck that every alternative white person on your social media will be bombarding you about it all month.

In this post, I will list some of the reasons that this holiday annoys me so much. Please help me think of more, because I’m sure I missed some!

When parents use their child as a zany prop/excuse to force lame, nerdy pop-culture references from their own childhood onto the world

not rly an example of the above but i couldn’t resist posting this pic of a young matty mullins

manchildren who use halloween as a reason to sperg out by making an embarrassingly elaborate costume (bonus points if they follow up with lots of unsolicited information on their upcoming DIY horror movie and their plans for the makeup effects– extra bonus if they punish you with details on how practical effects are better than all the cheap CGI in today’s movies)

pls tell me more about ur VHS horror movie collection and how Wishmaster 4 is akshually an underrated classic

ppl who make IRL versions of internet memes *exasperated face emoji*. Basically the human version of the “stale memes” section of the t-shirt wall at Hot Topic.

this is “ironic man.” u know this smug asshole is just burning with desire for u to ask him what his costume is so he can tell u the punchline and everybody will tell him how clever he is and instagram it while he sips his craft beer and pats himself on the back for being so witty

there are few genres of music that irritate me as much as halloween-core. this song might conjure up visions of jack o’lanterns and movie monsters in your head, but all I can think about is girls with Betty Page hair and fat arms making facebook updates about their rollerderby league’s halloween extravaganza

lol @ ppl pretending there was anything at all good about SAMHAIN other than their (admittedly sick) logo. have you ever actually LISTENED to them?! holy shit they’re bad. literally sounds like two different bands playing at once, and they are both out of tune. like CRASS, only without the smart, funny lyrics.

If u ever wrote off my predictions of a neon/scene/myspace revival as a joke or wishful thinking, you might want to start reconsidering that. Check out this list of the popular stories on altpress.com as of October 9, 2014 for yet another proof point that The Neon Years are primed to return:

• 15 best screamers in modern metalcore: BMTH, OM&M, ATTACK ATTACK, WOE IS ME and other scene fixtures are taken seriously as musicians in 2014. 5 years ago, i told everybody this was going to happen and they laughed at me. but who’s laughing now???! they called Galileo a fool you know!!!
• Tim Lambesis interview: hello, 2007 called and it wants its headlines back
• 10 bands who will influence the pop-screamo revival of 2017: need i say more? technically more of a mid-00s, pre-neon revival, but close enough. i personally draw a line between the “bootcut girl jeans, white belt, YL underoath shirt, atticus messenger bag and draven shoes” era and “scene”-proper, but admittedly i am splitting hairs here.
• Ronnie Radke vs Escape The Fate feud: can’t wait to hear what Hannah Beth and Audrey Kitching have to say about Buzznet’s favorite bad boy!! perfect article to read on your sidekick while you warm up your flatiron.
• 16 scene fads we regret partaking in: this is the real clincher. now that everybody scene phase is 5-8 years in the rearview mirror, they are ready to look back on it with nostalgic/ironic detachment– the first prerequisite for any revival.

some guy from a museum talks to some other guy who was in some band like 30 years ago about what things were like back when Ronald Reagan was president and how KISS is not a very good band

Of all the many, many enraging things about hipsters, perhaps the most irritating one is the massive gulf between how advanced they THINK they are vs how advanced they ACTUALLY are. For as much as they seem to think they are way ahead of the curve, in reality they are laughably out of touch with stuff that’s actually relevant. For example, they’ll act like some local indie rock band who always plays at the dive bar down the street is the shit but they’ve never heard of 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER– I literally think that middle school girls on Tumblr are more advanced than twentysomething hipsters. I mean, at least middle school girls actually know what’s popular.

Henry Rollins is the punk equivalent of Al Bundy– I mean, the guy was in Black Flag for like 5 years and he’s been boasting about his ‘glory days’ for decades. He’s literally spent 6 times longer TALKING ABOUT Black Flag than he did playing shows with them. Leave it to NPR to act like shit that happened at a Black Flag show in 1983 is breaking news!

Along the same lines, it annoys me to no end how hipsters have recently discovered 80s hardcore and all of a sudden they’re the authorities on what REAL hardcore is. Like, WOW congratulations on discovering super obscure bands like BLACK FLAG, THE DESCENDENTS and NOFX! Congratulations on listening to shit that I was bumping in my walkman in like fucking 1990.

LOL @ mixing JAWBREAKER in with BLACK FLAG and DESCENDENTS. I love this kind of totally lulzy lack of historical awareness– you can totally tell this is some tool who learned about “real hardcore” from reading Last.fm pages. why not throw an OFFSPRING sticker on there too lol

Or like how crappy, entry-level publications like The Village Voice discovered CRO-MAGS in like 2012, even though they were too busy fawning over SONIC YOUTH or LYDIA LUNCH to write a word about CRO-MAGS, AF, or YOUTH OF TODAY when they were actually relevant. They wouldn’t touch any of that shit with a 10 foot pole in the 80s, although you’d never know it from how they crow about those bands (using lots of ‘rock journalist’ words like ‘seminal’ to describe them).  But they don’t let being 3 decades too late to the party stop them from getting up on their high horse and lecturing you about what is and is not *real* punk!

Danzig jokes in 2014?! are u fucking cereal?? to put in perspective how stale, played out, and entry level this is, making jokes about Lance Bass being gay or doing your Napoleon Dynamite impression would be a full two decades more relevant than Danzig references in 2014.

Never thought I’d see the day when hipsters were jizzing over PANTERA, but here we are. what a time to be alive.

I think what it comes down to is that hipsters are weak, insecure people who are afraid to like anything until the dust settles and it’s clear what is and isn’t acceptable to like (especially since their whole identity is based on what kinds of media they consume). That usually means that they only like old stuff, or new stuff that blatantly copies old stuff (“we don’t pay attention to what’s trendy these days, our influences are bands like [some boring shitty dad band from 30 years ago]– you know, REAL music”). Which is why you get fat old hacks from NPR and the Smithsonian showing up 30 years late to the party– can’t wait for them to call ASKING ALEXANDRIA “seminal” in 2044!

YOU SAY THE DAMNED, I SAY THE SUMMER SET.
YOU SAY SONIC YOUTH, I SAY ATTILA.
YOU SAY AGNOSTIC FRONT, I SAY SUICIDE SILENCE.
YOU SAY RAMONES, I SAY ISSUES.
LMS IF UR ONE OF THE 3% OF TEENS WHO ARE ADVANCED ENOUGH TO LIKE SHIT THAT’S ACTUALLY RELEVANT.

Well, it fucking happened – I looked in the mirror and I’m currently banging on 43 years old… getting some wrinkles around the eyes, hair getting pretty grey and my oldest kid is now the same age I was when I first got into hardcore. Time sucks.

Before I Internet die (AKA float off into obsolescence as I don’t even have a Twitter account), I thought I might do one giant favor and document one small slice of the hardcore world – and do it as a fan, not as some neo-hipster that has ‘read everything’ or some crusty old band bass player that wants everyone to ‘remember their contribution’ – I’ll just do it as a dude that was there and reasonably ‘into it’ at the time.

I’ve got two pretty good bookmarks for the era in Boston – it starts with Slapshot’s “Sudden Death Overtime” record release party at the Channel club, September 1990, and ends (to me) with Sam Black Church playing some church basement in Clinton MA with Ten Yard Hike as an opening act, late in 1994. That Slapshop show was also the first time Sam Black Church ever played out – and by the end of this little era they were a big Boston headlining act.

Old school new school – it was a time following Youth Crew, and before Metalcore had really sunk into HXC. Most bands in the New England area played Boston clubs – anything outside of those clubs were real local basement shows. There were no ‘scenes’ outside of the Boston club scene. BHC bands were beginning to develop their own style, taking a huge helping from NYHC, but no real HXC subgenres had developed yet – the ‘scene’ was still very small. I remember it being a really ethnic scene, lots of Irish kids – via being from New Hampshire, I consider Irish, Spanish and Italians as ‘not quite white’.

The Bands – Let’s take a look at the bands of the era (names link to YouTube vids – I don’t feel like imbedding a ton of shitty videos) – any of these bands could be found on the bill with the others… that’s the kind of non-subgenre world it was…

Slapshot – the grandaddy of Boston ’90s HXC bands; they really straddled two eras. Very Oi! influenced, lead singer Choke was well known in the BHC scene since the ‘old days’. If you were in Boston then you loved them, everyone else probably hated them.

Wrecking Crew – famous for being the band of FSU founder Elgin James. I never particularly liked them, tho they were *very* popular. I think B9 has really lent a lot to their continued ‘legacy’. Anyways, were not a ‘must see’ band for me.

Eye For An Eye – def. a ‘new school’ BHC band – super positive lyrics with a black dude for a singer. I really really liked these guys. Opened for Fugazi at the Channel once. Their complete discography was released on CD a while back – great example of early ’90s HC.

Sam Black Church – became one of the biggest bands in Boston during the time – mixed metal with HXC very effectively. Lead singer Jet was super spazzy on stage and the first few times I saw them I was unsure if he was singing or ‘casting magic spells’ (srs).

Kingpin – kinda Youth Crew south shore kids, their one 7″ isn’t very memorable but they were very typical of kids back then.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (!) – yup, they played mostly HXC shows back then. Huge fan base around their first album. We all probably wore some kind of plaid to their shows. It’s all so embarrassing…

STP – a 1st gen BHC band that kinda tried to reinvent themselves. I have their 7″ somewhere…

Said and Done – super obscure proto-emo core band. Yea, I’ve got their 7″ somewhere!

Suckerpunch – (couldn’t find a vid – you ain’t missin much) They did NYHC style stuff, memorable only because their lead singer was this 6′ 6″ all muscle dude that intimidated *everyone*.

Only Living Witness – probably the most under-appreciated band here. Really more metalcore before metalcore, I love their first full album. They had some beef with the FSU kids for a while. Random trivia – my brother and I used to skateboard with the lead singer Jonah in Nashua NH in the late ’80s.

The Clubs – Boston is known for some of it’s ‘famous’ clubs. Here’s a rundown of them and random thoughts on them.

The Channel – located right near South Station (AKA easy to get to) it was by far the largest club. Big bands played here – more on the place in a bit.

The Paradise – right near BU, kinda nicer club that did HXC shows every once in a while. Saw Burn open a show there and the PA system went out, so the crowd shouted all the songs…

TT the Bears – shithole.

Axis/Avalon – Mostly dance club near Fenway – say SOIA play a crazy violent show there. Def. upscale – also saw Danzig and thrashy Soundgarden in ’89 there. Is now the House of Blues I think.

Man-Ray – shithole.

Middle East upstairs – smaller club that held shows sometimes. Think we saw Snapcase there… Close to MIT so real college vibe.

The Rat – super shithole.

Memorable Events:

The Channel held fairly frequent Sunday Matinees, which usually saw bigger NYHC bands playing with local Boston bands opening up. These would usually draw decent crowds and we got to see GB, Judge, Sheer Terror, SOIA and on and on play there. SOIA and Sheer Terror played during a blizzard one year – I remember us white knuckle driving from NH in a shitty beat up Subaru to the show and wondering if we would even get home…

The Channel was also host to the two POW/MIA benefit shows (this was way before benefit shows were a ‘thing’) – the first one was an incredible experience, a day long show with just about every BHC band playing.. the second was a disaster plagued with multiple FSU gang beatdowns. Go figure.

The Channel closed in late ’91 and this is (to me) one of the driving factors in HXC spreading to the suburbs – making for a bunch of solid scenes outside Boston.

Biohazard/Life of Agony in Nashua NH – we (and about 5 other people) saw a male fronted LoA open for Biohazard in Nashua. We got LoA demo tapes for free and got to hang with Biohazard that night. When they played the Channel the next day, the band noticed us and pulled us out of line to go in early. Gotta admit, was pretty cool…

Fugazi played the Channel and told everyone to stop ‘slamdancing’. Thanks grandpa. Possibly first documented example of ‘slamdance shaming’?

SOIA plays Axis, Integrity cancels. Claim was their drummer died of a brain aneurysm? General rumor was of beef with Boston/FSU bands – one of many cancelled Integrity shows.

The big fanzine of the era was Suburban Voice, run by Al Quint. He seemed like an alright dude, but the magazine read like some kind of aspie OCD HXC mag. Quint’s reviews had this Rainman like quality where he reviewed bands you never heard of and compared them to more bands you never heard of, and did it hundreds of times. Suburban Voice also put out a few 7″ with the mag. Usually small comps consisting of a song from a released 7″.

So – that’s Boston Hardcore circa early ’90s in a nutshell. I’m sure some super-read up armchair HXC nerd could tell me all the bands I missed, how I must be stupid not to see what a great place The Rat was, etc… but this is from a guy that was there, in the shitty sweaty clubs.

After this era, a lot of smaller local scenes developed. Worcester/Central Mass became somewhat big with bands like Bane, Merrimack Valley was and still is a huge center for hardcore (Anchors Up club – not sure if still open – in Haverhill was a big deal). Bands like Converge, Tree, In My Eyes and lots of others came directly after this scene… but this is what it was back then. Hope you guys enjoy this!

Love, Krakken…

Since Vice/Noisey seem to like borrowing my ideas (1, 2), I figured I might as well at least feed them some good ones. And with their fawning over ancient hardcore at an all-time high, what better place to start than by helping them decide on the next fossilized hc band to jizz over?? Below are a few suggestions, along with my best guess as to how likely it will be to happen:

MDC
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATE. In addition to being a highly influential and awesome band, MDC sang a lot about things that over-educated white liberals like such as hating the cops and being gay.

SICK OF IT ALL
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATE. Given how much they jizz over their peers like CRO-MAGS, you would think that the Noisey crowd would be into the only NYHC band who has actually stayed active since the 80s: SOIA. But maybe that is the problem– because they never broke up or stopped putting out music, they are not mysterious or exotic enough to qualify. Plus they are chill, even-tempered guys who don’t do anything cool like stab people at shows, so there’s no zany stories to talk about in the Brooklyn Vegan comments.

DRI/COC/JFA/all the other 3-letter-acronym thrash bands
Likelihood of it happening: LOW. Despite the fact that there is a whole genre of current bands devoted solely to imitating every single detail about these bands, for whatever reason they seem to have no real currency these days. Maybe it’s because almost all of them put out 5-10 horrible metal/rock albums after their awesome debut albums, or maybe because they were too dirty and scummy (in an uncool, “that burned out guy who lives in a trailer down the street” kind of way)? IDK, but they don’t seem to be on the hipster radar. Too bad, I loved all this shit.

DAG NASTY
Likelihood of it happening: HIGH. I really need to do a longer post about this band, because not only did they pretty much single-handedly invent the “hardcore kids playing catchy rock songs” thing, they are really really fucking good. In any case, the Noisey crowd can’t gargle the DC scene’s balls hard enough, and once MINOR THREAT/BAD BRAINS worship is passe, I expect that they will move on to DAG NASTY at some point.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES
Likelihood of it happening: MODERATELY HIGH. Incredibly influential, universal loved first album + cool gangster image = total Noisey fodder. You have to weigh those against the rest of their decidedly non-hipster-friendly catalog (a mix of very good thrash and very mediocre punk), but the NPR crowd has shown an ability to overlook the crappy parts of a band’s career as long as their first 7″/LP is good. Plus, the band is over 30 years old which means that hipsters and art students should be discovering them for the first time any day now.

As much as the Noisey/NPR/Burning Fight crowd would like you to believe that PROPAGHANDI, FUGAZI and REFUSED were the torchbearers of 90s hardcore, that’s just not true. There is one and only one truly defining face of 90s hardcore, and that is VICTORY RECORDS. Like it or not, nobody else put out more influential or popular hardcore records than Victory, and in this post I will set the record straight about the only 90s hardcore label that REALLY mattered by breaking down their roster into two categories: the bands people cared about, and the ones nobody cared about (note, this may shatter the image of 90s hardcore that 19 year olds on instagram seem to have in their heads).

THE BANDS PEOPLE CARED ABOUT

This group can basically be summed up in the lineup of “The California Takeover,” a live album that Victory put out in 1996, recorded at the Whiskey. These are “the big three,” period– although as you will see from some of these videos, when I say that “people cared about these bands,” I am talking about a very small group of people. 90s hardcore was just not a big community, and I am sure 80s hardcore was even smaller. In any case, here are the big dogs, ranked in order of their popularity at the time:

I have mentioned this before, but I think it’s weird how Kids These Days don’t care about SNAPCASE. They were the biggest hardcore band of the 90s, a good margin bigger than EARTH CRISIS from what I could tell. More accessible, no politics, and the guys in the band weren’t nearly as weird. That said, note that the “show” in this video is literally in a bowling alley (note the wood panelling) and that there are probably 75 people at most there. In any case, this 7″ fucking rips and has one of my favorite snare tones of all time.

And in the #2 spot we had EARTH CRISIS, who have actually remained pretty relevant after all these years. And good for them: great guys, great records, and I still think this song is awesome. For my money “Destroy The Machines” is the better record, but you really can’t underestimate the impact that this 7″ had on hardcore– they literally invented the chug breakdown as we know it today.

And coming in at #3, Los Angeles’ STRIFE. I think it’s kind of weird that kids now aren’t more into this band, because not only are they still active but their new shit DESTROYS– exactly the same style as their 90s material but better in ever way (check out “Witness A Rebirth” if you like Real Hardcore– nobody does it better than STRIFE).

The #4 slot belongs to BLOODLET, who are imo probably the single most under-rated 90s hardcore band. It is baffling to me that people don’t absolutely worship this band, especially the Decibel/Vice/etc crowd who should be totally into this. In addition to being waaaaaaaay ahead of the curve in terms of doing the “weird sludgey stoner shit” thing, they were on a totally different level than any other 90s band as musicians. Charlie King is one of my favorite drummers of all time, and the drum sound on this record is absolutely perfect.

And in #5 there is INTEGRITY. They were pretty popular in that people were stoked on “Humanity Is The Devil,” but they hardly ever toured so that kind of held them back. Again, note how tiny the crowds are in this video– and we can assume that they cherrypicked the most IMPRESSIVE crowds they could for this (probably at the old Peabody’s, where Integ played like once a year).

THE BANDS NOBODY CARED ABOUT

You will see a lot of bands who are Instagram-popular with Real Hardcore/Fake Real Metal kids on this list. And please note, I am not saying these bands are bad by any means (most of them rip), it’s just that at the same, nobody really cared about them. To put it in perspective, they were probably about as popular in their prime as CITY LIGHTS were in 2009.

The perfect example of “instagram-popular band in 2014 that nobody gave a shit about in the 90s” was BURIED ALIVE. As you can see from the turnout at this show, they were pretty much just another local/regional band (I like the kid with the mohawk who probably came to see his friend’s awful local punk band open the show). Now don’t get me wrong, their album and demo are sick, but they were not popular at all as I am certain Vogel would tell you today.

See also ALL OUT WAR. Also a great band, also met with indifference by the scene. Here they are playing on the floor of a sub shop in Toledo or something terrible like that. I remember booking a show at a VFW hall with AOW, OVERCAST and CANDIRIA in like 98 or 99 and maybe 25 people came. I think CANDIRIA wanted a $400 guarantee which we thought was absolutely ridiculously high.

You probably don’t know it, but DEADGUY are the missing link between 90s hardcore and modern metalcore. They invented the style of weird, chuggy discordant riffing that is basically the foundation of today’s metalcore, NORMA JEAN ripped them off, and presto, a whole generation of bands was born. And as Ben Weinman will tell you, DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN was founded as an attempt and doing DEADGUY better than DEADGUY. But outside of a few weirdos in the NJ/NY/PA area, nobody in the 90s really gave a shit about them. Doesn’t seem like kids now do either, which is a shame.

And of course HATEBREED. It’s really not quite accurate to say nobody cared about them, because this album sold really well and they did have a following, but even BLOODLET was more popular than HATEBREED in the 90s. Also, if ur one of those “im only 19 but i think 90s hardcore is the best and ‘Satisfaction’ is the best HATEBREED album” type, please kill urself now. Signed, a guy with a “SMASH YOUR ENEMIES” tattoo.

And last but not least, let’s all enjoy a laugh at the expense of BABY GOPAL, who were maybe the single lamest bands in all of 90s hardcore. They were a Hare Krishna alt rock band fronted by Ray Cappo’s wife, and the results were as bad as you would expect. Actually, this is somehow even worse than I remembered it being. The kind of stuff that makes the bad SSD and DYS albums seem positively dignified by comparison.

Well there you have it– your comprehensive guide to the REAL heart of 90s hardcore, VICTORY RECORDS! Thoughts??

While all signs point to a neon/fun revival in the medium-to-long term, for now we are still deep in the 90s revival. With all the obvious bands like BIOHAZARD and MORBID ANGEL already played out among hardcore trendmasters, it’s time for us to start digging deeper for the Next Big Thing in 90s revivalism. Fortunately for you, I was there and I am here to help! This post is your guide to what 90s bands you should jock next– be the first kid on your block to pretend to like MORTICIAN!!!

Please note, most of these bands are very mediocre. That just it makes it that much more likely that merchswap losers will convince themselves that they are “amazing,” but I just wanted to go on record– wouldn’t want anyone out there thinking that I suggested CIANIDE was actually a decent band.

1. WEIRD/DARK/SPOOKY DEATH METAL

First up, we have DISEMBOWLMENT. I am actually surprised that the NAILS/HARMS WAY/INTEGRITY crowd hasn’t already latched onto this given that dull, repetitive industrial doom seems to be the Next Big Thing. I will be SHOCKED if this band doesn’t start getting hyped in 2015.

Just to give you an idea of how few musical choices we had back in the day, I actually listened to CANDIRU enough to convince myself that it was “pretty good.” For people who think GODFLESH is “too poppy.”

2. WEIRD METALLIC HC BANDS WHO WERE MOSTLY IGNORED

Along with MERAUDER and DARKSIDE NYC, STARKWEATHER were among the very first hc bands to go full metal. I personally couldn’t really get into them, but they deserve credit for being so far ahead of their time.

The original “hardcore kids who worshipped CROWBAR” were Reno’s FALL SILENT, way back in the mid 90s when CROWBAR were laughed at by hc kids and it was super uncool to rep them. This band is FUCKING AWESOME and if you don’t check out their whole album you are definitely missing out, hands down one of the best of their era and sadly underappreciated these days.

GRIMOCK = the original HARM’S WAY. Fucking crushing, perfect for lifting or spinkicking. Look for kids to pretend they were actually popular outside of their hometown (they definitely weren’t).

3. FAIRLY CRAPPY DEATH METAL BANDS WITH SLUDGY PARTS THAT SOUND LIKE HARM’S WAY

And up next we have the one and only MORTICIAN. Note, skip to about 2:45 to hear an actual song. This band’s incredibly irritating habit of using lame horror samples that last SEVERAL MINUTES may be an obstacle to hardcore kids. Or maybe they will think it’s cool, you never really know :/

GENERAL SURGERY were a groovy CARCASS-knockoff band from the early 90s that had an EP or two nobody cared about. With hc vocals I could totally imagine this being the next Deathwish band.

And speaking of mediocre CARCASS-knockoffs we have PUNGENT STENCH, who straight up sound like a poppier version of HARM’S WAY “Isolation.” Some really catchy groove riffs here (breakdown at 1:18). Also, I have to wonder if this CARCASS-style gore artwork will be a thing in hc soon??

To be clear, I think CIANIDE is absolutely horrible, but listen to these doomy sludgy riffs and you can easily imagine merchswap losers pretending to like them. I mean, they like BOLT THROWER so they’ll like literally anything, right??

 4. DM BANDS THAT WERE ACTUALLY GOOD SO HC KIDS WILL PROBABLY NEVER LIKE THEM BUT U NEVER KNO

MALEVOLENT CREATION’s 1995 album “Eternal” is some of the moshiest 90s dm you’ll ever hear, catchy groove riffs for days that the kids could easily steal. You might be put off by their… *cough* politics though: they drop the n-bomb on this album and the singer used to wear a shirt with a Klansman on it that said “The REAL Boyz N The Hood”.

I really cannot rep DIM MAK hard enough. As you may know, they’re essentially RIPPING CORPSE with 1 different member and pretty much pick up where they left off. It’s definitely not for everyone– this band is weird. Some of the best metal/hardcore drumming I’ve ever heard (this was Dave Witte’s favorite drummer as a kid, and you can tell) and a really odd, unique style of riffing. Good luck trying to copy this, kids!

Another sick, underrated NJDM band is MORTAL DECAY. That Ocean County style of groovy death metal never gets old to my ears and these guys pioneered it. Also, the drummer did porn back in the 90s, so if you want to see his dick it’s on VHS somewhere out there.

Since the mid 90s, I have wondered why moshcore kids aren’t into HEMDALE. Crushing downtuned, doomy groove riffs for days– copy them now before goregrind becomes the next big thing!!

As someone who has been watching MMA for over 20 years, one of the hardest things to see is when a fighter who should have retired many years ago just won’t hang up the gloves and ends up being on the receiving end of one brutal, life-shortening beating after another because they’re just too stubborn to admit that their time is over. If names like Chuck Liddell, Jens Pulver, Stefan Struve, and Takanori Gomi mean anything to you, then you know what I’m talking about.

What’s perhaps even more sad is the musical equivalent: those bands that just won’t admit defeat and call it a day, that keep trudging on despite 5-10 years of irrelevance. Below are a few of the most shocking and embarrassing examples:

A SKYLIT DRIVE
If u thought these guys were gone, u are very wrong: they are about to drop their SIXTH album (*crickets*). Also, their singer is now a personal trainer– all those shirtless selfies make Bryan Stars’ heart go pitter-patter!

VANNA
These guys are still around, although they only have 150k facebook likes- ouch. They have kind of rebranded themselves as a somewhat tr00 band (complete with cholo font even tho they’re from Maryland). Latest video is painfully corny, featuring the singer in a denim jacket and man-bun.

MYCHILDREN MYBRIDE
You may remember these guys for that one “hit” they had in like 2007 with that one zany guy being all xD in the video, but they never really followed it up with anything. They have also rebranded themselves as mega-tr00, although despite their best efforts and being around for over a decade they still only have 15k Twitter followers :/ Look for them soon at a sparsely-attended show at your local 500-cap venue.

HASTE THE DAY
Well I can’t hate on where these guys are at… despite a relatively paltry social following (227k Facebook, 17k Twitter), obviously someone cares: they raised $140k to record their upcoming album! I guess nobody told their fans that a band at their level can easily make an album for $10-12k but hey, I’d take their money too.

I SET MY FRIENDS ON FIRE
These guys are still around, but seem to be on life support: they are down to one member, haven’t put out an album since 2011, and their facebook gets updated about twice a quarter. Too bad, I thought they were genuinely clever and talented– could have been a DETHKLOK-like phenomenon.

AIDEN
I thought this band died with Myspace, and was probably as surprised as you are to learn that not only are they still around but that they have released NINE albums O_o Their social audience is pretty sad, but I feel like their demographic (chubby girls with low self-esteem and social anxiety) monetizes really well so they at least have that on their side. Not bad for a tryhard kid from Northgate!

EVERGREEN TERRACE
And finally we have this band, perhaps the saddest of the bunch. Not only is their social audience tiny (106k Facebook), the engagement is also sad– TWO comments?! Ouch :/ These guys are also on their sixth release… what is it with these bands and pumping out so many goddamn releases?!

I feel kind of bad writing this, and I am not trying to kick anyone when they’re down… I know it’s really hard to let go of your baby when you’ve been doing it for years. And for some of these guys, maybe the band is just a fun hobby and they don’t really care if it goes anywhere. All I’m saying is, don’t be Chuck Liddell… don’t keep getting in the ring, convinced that you’d still got what it takes to win the belt only to get viciously KO’d by someone 15 years younger than you (ie, ISSUES).

One of the most common mistakes that entry-level investors make is plunging into the market after a boom, only to sell again in a panic when prices inevitably fall. For example, all the poor kids who lost big investing everything they had in the 90s death metal bubble of 2014 when The Next Big Thing is already arriving: 90s “funky alt-metal.” If you are panicking because this caught you off-guard by the OSDM crash, don’t worry!! This is your guide to everything u need to know to invest early and start your own hype band– buy low, sell high!!

You think I’m joking, but if someone said that this DOG EAT DOG song was from the upcoming TURNSTILE album, who would doubt them??

1. GET THE RIGHT LINEUP OF ZANY INSTRUMENTS
The usual guitar/bass/drums/vocals lineup just isn’t going to cut it: you’re going to need to add some zany instruments like a DJ (ala MORDRED) or a horn section (ala DOG EAT DOG). Slap bass is also a must (ala INFECTIOUS GROOVES, PRIMUS, etc).

tbh i am kind of shocked that TURNSTILE doesn’t already have a DJ…

Ideally you want at least one black member (on bass or turntables, of course), but if you can’t find one that’s ok, just put a white guy in a bucket hat and it will work just fine. One thing to watch out for is that a lot of the guys in the original wave of funk metal bands were extremely good musicians, which is obviously not going to be the case for your band, so temper your expectations– if you try to play like INFECTIOUS GROOVES it’s just going to end badly.

don’t even bother starting your own turnstile-core demo, just download the UNCLE SLAM album and re-tag the MP3s with a new band name. kids will lose their shit and u will be signed to Reaper Records in no time

2. PRETEND TO LIKE THE BAD ALBUMS FROM ALL THE POPULAR CROSSOVER BANDS
As most of you already know, 90% of 80s crossover/hardcore bands put out one or two sick albums, then a seemingly endless stream of dreadful metal/hard rock albums that were universally hated at the time.

I will lay down $100000 right now that says PRO-PAIN is the CROWBAR of 2016 (ie, every 19 year-old on instagram’s new favorite band)

Pretending to like these albums– especially the ones with embarrassing funk elements– will be key to getting in early on the 90s alt-metal trend! In addition to the above examples, I also suggest forcing yourself to listen to SCATTERBRAIN, WHITE DEVIL, and the really bad funk-core TOKEN ENTRY album. If you don’t actually like them don’t sweat it, just make sure you post pictures of the cassettes on your instagram.

UGLY KID JOE have it all: the paper-thin Crate guitar tone, the riffs, and the look to match! Confession: I actually think UKJ are fucking awesome :(

3. GET THE RIGHT LOOK
2014 was all about the “Billy Madison” look: khaki shorts, baggy button-up shirt and weirdly fitting snapback. But if you want to fit in in 2015, you’re gonna need to step it up to the “early-90s white trash rocker from a C-level Headbanger’s Ball band” look. Key items to have are tight cuttoff denim shorts, long greasy hair, flannel shirt tied around your waist, and to REALLY complete the look, a vintage Corona baja jacket (just like the one that slutty white trash girl in my 8th grade class use to wear over her “Ride The Lightning” shirt and acid wash jeans):

As you have probably heard by now, BROKENCYDE launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise $30,000 to “escape the clutches of their label” or whatever and release/market their next album DIY. I wasn’t originally going to post anything about this, but since people keep blowing up my inbox with links about it, I guess I have to.

I wasn’t going to post anything for the simple reason that I have less and less interest in kicking people when they are down. I think it’s kind of sad and gross how much “music blogging” and internet content in general essentially comes down to either shitting on someone successful and trying to bring them down, or finding someone who is already down and gloating at their failure (eg all the gross delight people took in Scott Stapp and Amanda Bynes’ public meltdowns).

As you can see, they have more than a little ground to cover in the next month :/

With that said, I don’t really have any clever, snarky remarks to make about this because it kinda just bums me out as an extreme and genuinely sad version of “they’re still a band?!” At least in the case of a lot of those bands, you can look at the guys in the bands and imagine a future in which they get their head out of their ass, man up, and get a real job where they could have a decent career– all it takes is the willingness to let go of their stupid dream of playing in a band for a living.

But in the case of BROKENCYDE, it’s much harder to imagine that. I have met and hung out with these guys a few times, and although they are actually nice, chill guys, “smart” is definitely not among the words I would use to describe them. Watch the video above and it will become very obvious that they just fundamentally don’t understand how the world works. For example the part at :45 where they (correctly) say that “Labels are like banks, they give you money to record, market and all that hibbity-jibbity. This is great, but before we get any money for our hard work, they have to get paid back. By the time this gets paid back, we are left with nothing.”

Rather than do what a businessperson would do, which is to take a step back and think about how to make their venture generate an amount of revenue such that they would repay their investors and get some income for themselves, their proposed solution is that instead of paying back a label for the costs of recording and marketing an album, you should simply GIVE them the money and kiss it goodbye. Not to mention the fact that you can easily record music like theirs in a home studio for free, and that it takes nowhere near $30k to market an album (for example, that is enough to buy well over 6 million banner ad impressions).

I am genuinely not trying to be harsh or critical here– I sincerely think they don’t understand how dumb this sounds. It’s like if you tried to ask a child to come up with the blueprints for a suspension bridge, they’d probably come up with something involving Pokemon and lasers because those are the limits of their intellectual capacity. It bums me out because these guys are getting dangerously close to 30, and Seven has a son now… it’s time for them to look into plan B, and I think they don’t really have one.

If you go back to my “Being In A Band Is For Losers” post from a couple years ago, you will see that they are somewhere between points D and E right now… I hope for the sake of them and their (*cough*) children that they prove me wrong, but I am not so sure that’s gonna happen.

I am kind of hesitant to write this post, because I am 10000% certain it’s going to attract tons of autistic europeans, 19 year-old merchswap dorks, and other undesirables, but I get asked about ONE LIFE CREW a lot so I figured I might as well go for it.

Setting the stage
As I have explained before, there were basically two sects of 90s hardcore that rarely overlapped. There was the basement DIY vegan house show sect (basically like Tumblr is today) and there was the more clean-cut, mosher sect (similar to the fanbase that say ADTR has these days)– the Victory Records scene. The DIY vegan crowd absolutely hated the Victory scene of the 90s for the same reason they hate it today: losers hate winners.

The entire debut EP, “Pure Disgust” starts at 2:00.

OLC’s debut
In 1994, Victory released OLC’s debut EP “Crime Ridden Society,” and kicked off one of the bigger scene-shitstorms I have seen to this day. The main point of conflict was their song “Pure Disgust,” which was about immigrants and had lines like “You dirty fucking leeches – you must GET OUT!” In retrospect this was an obvious, heavy-handed troll, but the hyper-PC 90s scene fell for it and there were all kinds of embarrassing letter-writing campaigns, zines full of angry rants about “banning them from the scene,” etc. The whole thing came to a head at this show in 1996:

This is OLC at the infamous 96 Cleveland fest. Some kid (I never really found out who it was) said some shit to Mean Steve about 1:25, Steve chases him into the crowd, a bunch of skinheads beat the kid up. There’s a bunch of milling around then another fight around 5:30. The girl screaming “stop it!!!” was my girlfriend at the time lol.

While this will be disappointing to the euros and merchswappers reading this hoping for some zany stories about how wild and krazy and violent the 90s were, in hindsight it was really not a big deal at all and it’s kind of embarrassing that anybody ever took them seriously at all. The “fights” in the above videos are really more accurately characterized as “scuffles,” and the whole thing was just dumb.

OLC were mostly pretty crappy, but “Real Domain” is a fucking banger with some hilariously on-point lyrics: “You ignorant kid. Punk rock, backwoods fuck. Rebel against the norm, try to rebel towards me.” And of course the hilarious chorus: “Now you must pay the price. We don’t dance we just fight. Violence, Cleveland style. Numerous injuries, you’re ruined.”

Were they actually racist/homophobic/thugs/etc?
No. Loundmouths who said and did a lot of dumb shit that probably should not have been said or done, yes, but no more racist/ignorant/thugged out than any other white person from the greater Cleveland area (interpret that as you will). Other than John Lockjaw punching a kid once (for good reason), I never saw any of them get in a fight, and there were a LOT of fights at shows in Cleveland at that time. They were like 5 years older than us and much bigger (read: fatter) so it seemed like they were tough, scary guys but in retrospect they were all bark and no bite.

Super cringy intro from their 1998 album. Lots of edgy, taboo words and really clumsy attempts at trolling the scene.

A couple funny stories about OLC

• I once ran into Chubby Fresh (drummer of OLC) at the mall. He was walking around with the guys from Warzone, who were playing that night. We ate at Taco Bell and talked about how good Straight Ahead were. He told me that I could be in “the One Life Crew” because I was straightedge. He was always a nice guy to me.

• The SKARHEAD song “YAS” is partly about these guys. The part about “fake gangster from the Ohio sticks” and “played your state and where the fuck were you” is a reference to when MADBALL came thru town with either SKARHEAD of CROWN OF THORNZ (can’t remember) and called out OLC/INTEGRITY from the stage.

• Chubby Fresh now has a motorcycle “lifestyle” store called Bike Styles. John Lockjaw is now known as John Tole, and has a successful career as a standup comedian (and he is hilarious).

I always thought the music scene followed a similar pattern of *a small handful of bands come up with a unique and innovative sound, become popular off it, then a second generation of bands copy those first gen bands and become moderately popular off it but not as popular as the first gen bands, then an inordinate number of local bands do the same thing  but no one ends up caring about them cuz they’re all the same (which is where I get the content from my “bands that never got anywhere then disappeared” posts)*.

But lately I am finding more and more examples of bands that were so ahead of the curve that they don’t fit into this mold at all and will probably go uncredited for unknowingly creating genres long before those genres became a thing. Here are my favorite examples of these types of advanced bands that have managed to slip under the SYWH radar until now.

Crabcore

Attack Attack invented the trancecore breakdown, right? No? Perhaps its origin can be traced back a bit further to those British fraggles in Enter Shikari? WRONG! Apparently it was actually this crappy Eulogy records band. This is probably the most clear-cut example of “it’s not about who did it first, it’s about who did it best” because this band is almost unlistenable to me. Regardless, they do deserve their credit. Shout-outs to Andrew for making me aware of this band.

Srscore 

Bands like The Ghost Inside and Counterparts have gotten big in the scene within the last few years but metalcore-tinged melodic hardcore (or melodic hardcore-tinged metalcore for all you elitists) has been a thing since the 90′s. Shai Hulud would be a good example of this but I think lots of people already know that band because Chad from New Found Glory was in it, so I am using this lesser-known Christcore band to display a prehistoric version of this style.

Neon Pop

Forever The Sickest Kids are widely thought of as the Kings Of Neon within the SYWH community, but they definitely weren’t the first band to play synth-ridden powerpop that’s heavy on the autotune and marketed towards girls who wear colorful Osiris high-tops and training bras. The lyrics to this song are soooo cheesy. I don’t know if he was thinking of all the potential poon he would get while writing this or if it’s actually indicative of his personalty, but either way it fits the music perfectly. The music video version of this song isn’t as good but peep dat OG neon aesthetic.

Hollistercore

Hollistercore, for all those unfamiliar, is late 2000′s pop rock for lack of a better term. This song was a big hit on Canadian TV and radio back in 2001, but it easily could’ve blended in with Fearless records’ roster circa 2008. I think it is catchy enough to contend with any of the best songs on The Maine’s first and only good album (Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop).

Easycore

I always know how to spot a poser when they tell me that Lifetime was the first easycore band. Lifetime had NOTHING to do with easycore. But around the same time that Lifetime was first getting popular, Strung Out was releasing classic EpiFat skate punk albums that had some surprisingly EZ moments. Check out the moshy riff at 1:28, it totally sounds like a sped-up version of something from “Rise or Die Trying”.

Tr00 Pop Punk

Although Saves The Day are largely regarded as the original tr00 pop punk band by leading pop punk scholars, that’s not to say there weren’t other bands playing this brand of feelsy (ugh, I hate that word) pop punk before the obvious TSSF, post-ez TWY, etc. This song totally sounds like it could’ve been a Man Overboard single or something.

Deathcore

I always thought the roots of deathcore could be traced as far back as All Shall Perish’s forgettable first album and shoddy Suicide Silence demos from when they were mostly known for their Family Guy samples, but apparently not! This band was playing music in 1998 that is so similar to deathcore, that I think it would be unfair to not mention them while discussing the genre’s roots. I have no idea what this band’s influences were or what genre they were considered at the time, but I am befuddled and partially disturbed at how advanced they were. Big thanks to Aleksander Abdulov for showing me them.

AtTheGatescore

I got a few complaints for not including these guys in my ATTHEGATESCORE post and the reason why I didn’t is because I don’t think they’re very good. I prefer talking about bands I like. All things aside, this band was innovative and definitely one of the first (if not, the first) band to play this style of metalcore.

R&Bcore

If R&Bcore catches on (fingers crossed that it will), Issues are undoubtedly going to be seen as the sole pioneers of the genre, as we are just now seeing bands attempt to jock their sound (Palisades I see you). Although this song only came out 4 years ago, it is from before Issues was even a band, so I would consider it pretty advanced.  That part at 0:54 sounds like it could’ve been sung by da gawd Tyler Carter himself.

#ezcrab

I didn’t want to include too many crappy bands in this post but #ezcrab is one of my favorite genres and I have to credit these guys for playing it (albeit, very poorly) 3+ years before it became a thing. This band actually evolved into a far superior crabcore band called “We Are Danger” and after that band fell through, the drummer became a part of the notorious AskingAlexandriacore band “Capture The Crown” and then eventually quit that band to become a solo Country artist (srs).

Which of these bands do you think was the most advanced? What are some other examples you can come up with of bands playing music that sort of resembles faux-genres that were created soon after and are mostly only relevant in the wébsite Stüff Yoû Will Hàté?

When I look back on the past 20 years, I realized that I got to experience a lot of things that Kids These Days would think are pretty cool: seeing LIFE OF AGONY and CROWN OF THORNZ in their prime, going to Taco Bell with ONE LIFE CREW and WARZONE, wearing Ray Cappo’s shoes, and so forth. But when I look back at all those moments, it all seems like a bunch of bullshit compared to what was a truly magical era for music and culture: the early 2000s!

In all seriousness, I get super nostalgic for this era in a way that I just don’t about any other period in time. I’m not sure why, because I was in my early 20s, broke as shit and (worst of all) fat, so it’s not like I was living it up and having the time of my life or something. We might not have had much, but we had “Making The Band,” PS2, and flared Mudd jeans and that was enough for us!!

I could go on forever about this incredible era, but in the interest of brevity and millenial’s gnat-like attention spans, I’ll just share a few of my favorites:

Although she always played second fiddle to Britney, Christina Augilera is #1 in my heart. Her look in this video drives my pee-pee crazy: like a bro-ho stripper from Ontario with a kid that her mom takes care of who would surprise you on Valentine’s day by getting Vajazzled. That two-toned skunk hair, hngggggggg! Also, this song is a great example of the bizarre harpsichord trend of 99-01 or so (see also DESTINY’S CHILD).

Speaking of harpsichords and DESTINY’S CHILD, how about “Bills Bills Bills”? A couple of things that make this song one of the most *cough* ‘urban’ things ever recorded: that the whole thing is set in a beauty shop; the part at 1:54 where they label the guys as ‘broke’ and ‘triflin’; the word ‘automobills.’ Another classic from this era of DC is “Bugaboo” featuring the line “call AOL have my email stopped.”

I had the biggest crush on Mandy Moore when this video came out, which made it even more heartbreaking when she married Ryan Adams and proved that she was not the squeaky clean, G-rated sweetheart that she appeared to be in this video. But I try to put that out of my head and just pretend that when she whispers “I’ll be forever yours, love always Mandy” that she meant it for me and me alone <3 Bonus trivia: this song is written by Dave Katz, who went on to write for such neon icons as METRO STATION, BOYS LIKE GIRLS, CASH CASH, and ALL TIME LOW.

Let’s move on to some early 2000s deep cuts, starting with one of my favorite underappreciated gems: the debut album from SKYE SWEETNAM. This album is pure power-pop perfection, like everything I always wanted every neon band with a girl singer to be. I think she won some Canadian TV competition or something, and I guess she’s still around and making music, but she looks all grose and Tumblr now :/

Let’s be real: slightly slutty mainstream girls are the best thing God ever put on this planet, and this song is awesome because it’s 4 minutes and 18 seconds of love for basic girls. The main rapper guy from LFO wrote this song and seems like he was actually a really cool guy– sadly he died of cancer a few years ago. However, he left us with this song and an amazing interview on Howard Stern about how Lou Perlman tried to fuck him. RIP Rich Cronin, you seemed like a cool dude and you were very advanced. Someone should cover this but change it to be about yoga pants, Uggs and Snapchat.

And last but not least, one of my favorite deep cuts from HOKU. While most people know her for the song “Perfect Day” that was in “Legally Blonde,” I personally prefer her debut single “Another Dumb Blonde.” Press play and prepare for a wave of early 2000s nostalgia to hit you FAST & HARD: the opening 10 seconds are of a guy using a first-generation gumdrop iMac to check his AOL email (probably using Netzero dialup to connect to the internet).

It’s kind of amazing that SYWH is now 6 years old, and as such has been around long enough to see the trends change a few times. Back when I started this thing, BROKENCYDE were at their peak of buzz, OF MICE & MEN were a brand new band best known for their LADY GAGA cover, and easycore was the dominant flavor of pop-punk. Then as we all know, the tr00nami hit, washing away MySpace, neon, major-key breakdowns and everything else we loved, replacing it with a sea of black-and-grey merch, braying donkey vocals, and sadboi bullshit.

But friends, WE MADE IT! We knew if we just kept the faith that this day would come, and here it is: tr00 is definitely on the way out, and fun is BACK in pop-punk. Don’t believe me? Think how long it’s been since anyone gave a shit about MAN OVERBOARD, CITIZEN, TRANSIT and the other tr00 hype bands of 2012. Seems like a different world, doesn’t it??

Don’t get me wrong, tr00 is still here, but it’s dying. Think of this as a transitional year like 2011, when all the crabcore bands were at their peak but clearly about to take a fall. Tr00 is still a force to be reckoned with, but right beneath the surface is an ez/fun revival about to boil over. Mark your calendars so you can answer the question, “Where were YOU when tr00 died??”

Supporting evidence:

Exhibit 1: Perhaps the most obvious and meaningful example is FOUR YEAR STRONG returning to their easycore roots after putting out a bunch of crappy rock albums that nobody liked. Given that FYS were one of the main reasons easycore died in the first place, it is a very significant move. On the one hand you could make fun of them for transparently caving into fan demands, but on the other hand it’s kind of cool and I wish more bands would have this kind of customer service!

A few years ago FYS wrote a butthurt song called “Fairweather Fan” about how if ur a REAL fan, u wouldn’t ask them to play breakdowns and synth parts. Fast forward to 2015 and they are embracing the same fans with open arms. Beggars can’t be choosers, I guess.

Exhibit 2: Just a couple years ago, you could charitably describe NECK DEEP as “The British TSSF,” but their new album is pure hollistercore goodness, like if I CALL FIVES were still around (and people actually cared about them). Or actually, now that I think about it, like a slightly tr00 version of SIMPLE PLAN lol. In the same way as FYS are kind of the torchbearer’s of the last generation of pop-punk, ND are one of the hotter commodities in the new generation, so it is noteworthy to see this happening on both ends of the pop-punk spectrum.

Exhibit 3: Speaking of hollistercore and americaneaglecore, this STATE CHAMPS song and video would not be at all out of place playing on the monitor in the back of either of those stores while some cute, slightly-slutty-in-all-right-ways mainstream girl shops for a crop top to go with her new white jeans. I feel like this is indicative of what to expect from the next wave of a pop-punk, a weird-but-awesome combination of tr00 and mallpunk.

Exhibit 4: Lots of newer mid-level/up-and-coming bands playing stuff that sounds straight out of 2008/2009 like SEASONS CHANGE (above), BROADSIDES, SETTLE YOUR SCORES, and so forth. Basically, this is the default template for new bands on No Sleep/Pure Noise/etc.

Exhibit 5: If you’ve ever had the misfortune of looking at the “Defend Easycore” group on Facebook, you know that it’s about 3,000 annoying tryhards who basically just parrot memes that me and Alex Bigman made up years ago. And it’s full of new bands like this one who are all tripping over themselves to be validated as “ez.” Beyond embarrassing, yes, but also solid evidence that the next wave of bands are going to be more 2008 than 2012.