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Let’s talk about how awesome CHAIN RESTAURANTS are

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txj cheesecake

Me and Todd from NAILS enjoying some delicious sliders at Cheesecake Factory in Anaheim

You know what I don’t like? Surprises. I’ve had more than enough chaos and unexpected shit happen to me for one lifetime, so there’s nothing I value more than consistency, stability, and predictability. And when it comes to consistent and predictable dining experiences, there’s nothing better than chain restaurants! I mean, why take a chance on some mom-n-pop or local, independent place when you can just visit a familiar chain and know exactly what you’re going to get?? IDK about you but I’ll leave the food-adventuring to the professionals and stick to what I like: franchises!

And by the way, don’t come at me with “u haven’t been to a REAL restaurant bro” because I’ve eaten $500 sushi dinners on the 100th floor of the tallest building in Hong Kong, sampled the best restaurants in Geneva, and been to all kinds of other expensive douchey places that you’ve only seen on TV. So jam it, stay posi, and let’s talk about how fuckin good McDonalds fries are.

cam n marley cf

Big Chocolate & Mrs. Chocolate trying 2 make up their minds

Cheesecake Factory
As you can see from the numerous pictures on my Instagram, CxF is my go-to choice of chain restaurant. Perhaps the polar opposite of Olive Garden in that just about everything on the menu is delicious, you really just can’t go wrong with OxG. Like Uggs, it’s also a good litmus test for if a girl is cool or not: ask her if she wants to go to CxF, and if she turns up her nose like Frankie Palmeri just farted in her face then NEXT, gtfo uptight hipster bish. Cool, normal girls love chain restaurants.

landon coffee

Me and my adopted little brother Landon at our spot: the Starbucks inside the Lynnwood Barnes & Noble A CHAIN INSIDE A CHAIN ITS SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BUT ITS REAL

twostacks sbux

When DJ TWOSTACKS was in town with KITTY PRYDE, he wouldn’t shut up about how he wanted to the first Starbucks. Then he wouldn’t shut up about the logo: “Dawg, her titties is out!!”

Starbucks
Probably the single best example of how much I like chain restaurants is Starbucks (or as I prefer to call it Sbux or Starby’s). You see, I really don’t like their coffee all that much– it’s kind of burnt-tasting and too strong for my tastes. But Starb’s is always my first choice for coffee because I know how it works: the vocabulary, where to order, where to stand while you’re waiting for your drink, etc. And if there is one thing I fucking hate, it’s hassles and confusion and being annoyed because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

linh n me olive garden

Mrs D enjoying a generous portion of the Tour of Italy while I try to decide what soup to get

Olive Garden
I’m not sure why I like Olive Garden so much because, well, their food is awful with the exception of the salad, breadsticks and Andes mints they give you with your bill. But MY GOD THAT SALAD DRESSING it more than makes up for the fact that everything else on the menu tastes like Lean Cuisine. Also, the decor– when I sit in their dining room, sometimes I have to rub my eyes and remember that I’m not sitting on the terrace of a quaint Tuscan bistro!

landon red robin

Landon and I enjoying a luncheon at RED X ROBIN

Red Robin
One thing that drives me crazy is when people from stupid parts of the country like the Midwest are super proud of their crappy regional chain restaurants (Cincinnati, I’m looking at you– Skyline is terrible and also it’s not even fucking chili, it’s Greek spaghetti). This is because I grew up in Seattle, home of the best goddamn regional chain of all time RED ROBIN. If you’re ever in town, hit me up and I’ll treat you to the most family-friendly burger you’ve ever had!

STC_PF_Changs

PF Chang’s
I’m not a picky eater. I have only one rule: “not Chinese” (I dislike Chinese food as much as I dislike Chinese people). That includes fake Chinese “fusion” like PF Chang’s. The only reason I even mention it here is because I wanted to point out how disappointed I am by the fact that the horse statues they have by the entrances don’t have weiners, despite clearly being males :(

if you do not agree let me persuade you


Got recording/production questions? Ask EYAL LEVI

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Screen Shot 2013-06-20 at 8.51.48 AM

If stuff like this makes your weiner hard, hit up my bff Eyal Levi from Audiohammer and UNSTOPPABLE KILLING MACHINE with all your questions about pickups and mics and plugins and compression. If you noticed that I got pretty damn good at recording extremely quickly, it’s because this guy taught me everything I know– so check it out and take advantage of his willingness to put up with your bullshit!

http://eyallevi.tumblr.com/

TAYLOR SWIFT releases anthem for being an annoying 22 year-old :(

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Taylor-Swift-22

Remember when Dani from MILLIONAIRES started wearing zany hats like this right before she turned into a grose hipster?? THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN :(

It’s always a bummer when you watch a once-kyut, G-rated girl slow turn into annoying hipster trash. Like this one girl I dated– I met her when she was 18 and wore Hollister jeans and popped collar polo shirts. Fast forward to like 4 years later, after she had done a few internships in New York. I ran into her outside the liquor store in Cincinnati (always a good place to meet people who are full of good life choices) and barely recognized her: stringy, greasy hair, smeared bright red lipstick and Diesel jeans. Needless to say, I was super bummed about her newfound haggard hipster persona, but I am also not going to look a gift horse in the mouth and fucked her about 2 hours later (spoiler: she had a really hairy butthole wtf).

I don’t see Tay-Tay going full hipster like that, but judging by this song I feel like there is a good chance that she will be a “WOOOOOOOOO girl.” By that I mean, the kind of girl who blows off steam from her unfulfilling entry-level office job by going to a mainstream club with her besties every 2 months, drinking two too many flirtinis, screaming “WOOOOOOOO!” and taking selfies, then barfing in the parking lot and crying about her ex-boyfriend before piling into the ringleader’s 2007 Jetta and going home (but not before stopping at White Castle on the way).

rip my boner

Why pop-punk is Real Music and metalcore is Fake Music

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fuck pop punk

From my perspective, one of the most baffling developments over the past few years is the re-positioning of pop-punk as Real Music. You see, Back In The Day pop-punk was thought of roughly the same as we think of ASKING ALEXANDRIA or ADTR today: trendy garbage for idiot teenagers who shop at the mall and don’t know anything about Real Music.

Fast forward to about 2012 or so, and the same bands who were ridiculed for being crappy mallcore are held up as Legendary Pioneers: BLINK-182, GREEN DAY, NOFX, etc. And the newer bands who follow in their footsteps (and their fans) seem to feel justified in getting up on the elitist high horse, which is very funny to me considering that pop-punk was the furthest things from Real Music back in the day.

real music

But then I realized that it’s all just a branding maneuver: by borrowing the imagery and appearance of Real Music (eg the “live photo with meaningful lyrics” graphics on their merch and dressing more or less like hardcore dudes), they’ve repositioned themselves as Real Music without changing the substance of their music at all (ie, most of the songs are still about being friendzoned by the cute girl who works at the mall, just like BLINK). Metalcore, on the other hand, was never smart enough to hitch their wagon to Real Hardcore or any other kind of Real Music (ie death metal, prog, etc) and as such remains the domain of posers in the eyes of Kids These Days.

The “pop punk is Real Music” thing suddenly made sense to me, and as a marketing guy I tip my hat to them– repositioning an entrenched brand is never easy, and the pop-punk scene made it look simple. Impressive stuff.

well-played-sir-well-played-indeed

And people wonder why I hate on “tattoo culture”

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tumblr_mp7yaydrJW1qg0msyo1_500

Shoot for the stars, bb :3

Dat insane worldview where choosing to get tattoos makes you a persecuted victim of oppression. Dat bizarre idea that sitting in a chair for 3.5 hours while someone else tattoos you is an accomplishment. Dat use of superficial adornments as the basis for ur entire identity. Dat aspie fixation on talking about ur tattoos incessantly to anyone and everyone even doe they don’t give a fuk.

Kristen Stewart has a BLACK FLAG shirt; butts are in agony

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Screen Shot 2013-07-03 at 11.03.00 AM

Screen Shot 2013-07-03 at 11.03.13 AM

Via Jaded Punk. My thoughts:

  • First of all, that’s not a BLACK FLAG tattoo, that’s just some lines
  • It’s not like BF are some obscure band, they’re one of the most heavily-jocked, entry level punk bands of all time and over 30 years old… basically one notch less popular/hipster-fied than THE CLASH or RAMONES
  • LOL @ how you can’t win with hipster punx. First it’s “You should listen to Real Hardcore, you poser!!,” then when kids DO start listening Real Hardcore it’s “Stop listening to Real Hardcore, you poser!!”
  • LOL @ giving a fucking shit what bands the girl from Twilight listens to. Fucking embarrassing.

u seem unpleasant

 

Some GASLIGHT ANTHEM fanboy is working on the dumbest “short film” ever

Tumblr womynists: “ur not the boss of me i don’t have to wear pink!!!”

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women do not have to

After living through the suffocatingly-PC 90s XHardcore SceneX, I thought nothing could shock me when it comes to lulzy, retarded social justice warriors. But I guess even the unshockable can be shocked because wowowowow I’ve read the above Tumblr post a dozen times and my head just won’t stop spinning from the sheer angry-white-person foolishness.

A couple thoughts in no random order:

  • tfw when this is literally a checklist of everything I find attractive in a girl
  • again with the “long hair shaming” wtf
  • Men do not have to: wipe their asses. If u do not find me intoxicatingly arousing with feces streaming down the inside of my legs, you’re a racist piece of shit.
  • From what I can tell, the Tumblr brand of “feminism” is about telling girls to aggressively and confrontationally advocate literally the exact opposite of every quality or behavior that everybody outside of Tumblr considers positive. Sounds like a recipe for happiness to me…
  • It’s a super bummer when you see posts like this draw out the “male feminists,” aka the kind of weak, insecure guys who have such low self-esteem that they feel like they have no other options for getting laid than letting these kind of girls browbeat them. I mean, if you’re gonna let a girl treat you like shit and walk all over you for some pussy, at least make sure it’s some hot barbie/stripper type chick– imagine the look of horror on your friend’s faces when they see you getting bitched by some flabby Whole Foods cashier with hairy legs who dresses like a bag lady.
  • not even gonna touch the part where you don’t have to have a vagina to be a woman in Tumblr-land u_u

not like the other girls


EZEC agrees: G-rated life is pretty awesome

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For those of you who aren’t familiar with LORD EZEC aka DANNY DIABLO, he’s best known as the singer for SKARHEAD and CROWN OF THORNZ as well as one of the most legitimately scary and fucked up people in hardcore (although, if you’ve ever met him he’s actually a really funny, friendly guy). See above for a glimpse into the world of EZEC at his finest, a video that makes most normal people shudder and feel like they need to take a shower.

ezec g rated ife

I definitely wouldn’t say I ever went as deep as Ezec, but I was pretty scummy for a few years. Lots of boozy, blurry nights doing regrettable things with regrettable people that put way too many miles on my soul… And while on the one hand I sometimes get mad at myself for wasting my time doing that stuff, on the other hand it makes me appreciate little things that other people probably think are boring. I can’t speak for Ezec, but I know that for me, just laying in a comfy bed with the lady and watching Hulu feels like an impossibly great dream that I never thought would come true, but it did.

So IDK exactly what I am trying to say, I guess just that if you fucked up in the past then don’t worry about it. Just know that when you finally do get your shit together, it will mean 10x more to you than someone who didn’t have to work for it like you did. And that’s pretty cool.

me n kids

Bummed that DEFEATER ignored my suggestion :(

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defeater farts

idk man i mean they DID have different diets back then it had to affect the smell. js i think a lot of us would find that a pretty cool “conceptual framework” or whatever for your next vinyl. and maybe to like ‘show ppl how meaningful teh experience of holding a physical artifact in ur hand is’ u could make it a scratch and sniff cover. like one half would smell like a 2013 fart and the other half would smell like a fart from 1953 and people could be like “man i was born in the wrong generation!!!!” and smell the 1953 fart over and over and be like “the 2013 fart is just so… thin and processed, u know???” and nod in agreement with each other.

401k shaming is a thing now

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401k

I lived through the 90s hardcore scene, and I thought I saw it all: bands writing songs about feeling bad for looking at girls’ butts (Palatka), vegan bake sales to benefit convicted murderers (Mumia Abu Jamal), and even workshops on DIY abortions (srs). I thought we had reached the zenith of white foolishness, but I was wrong. So very wrong. The race to the bottom is far from over.

IF U HAVE A 401k UR RACIST!!!!

Pop Punk: The Way It Is (2013 Edition)

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PopPunk2

In many ways, the Youth of Today have it better than ever: Unlike myself and some of the other mildly older to much older people who frequent this site, they will never know the miseries of low-speed internet, life without smartphones, or hardcore without breakdowns. Yet in some ways, life for alternative teenagers is also more complicated than ever before – especially for those trying to live The Pop Punk Lifestyle™. Whereas a decade or so back, pop punk was pop punk, emo was emo, and hardcore was hardcore, the subsequent merging and fragmentation of genres in the mid/late 2000s has paved the way for a decidedly muddled landscape within the realm of modern pop punk. These days, it is not at all uncommon to see bands who call themselves pop punk, look hardcore, and sound emo (amongst many permutations thereof), and understandably it can all be very confusing to those who aren’t immersed in The Pop Punk Lifestyle™ and its musical and cultural nuances.  The purpose of this post is to help clarify and explain the major trends in modern day pop punk, so that anyone – even those who haven’t chosen to adopt kakis, snapbacks, and pizza as their holy trinity of lifestyle aesthetics – can have a rounded view of modern day pop punk, and impress their friends with their comprehensive understanding of this dynamic and multifaceted musical genre/lifestyle.

Unfortunately, we will not have time to cover the topic of how to not lift like Man Overboard in this post.

Unfortunately, we will not have time to cover the topic of how to not lift like Man Overboard in this post.

Between 2009 and 2011, one of the biggest paradigm shifts in pop punk consisted of the transition from easycore (zaney funtime pop punk with breakdowns) to tr00 pop punk (few to no breakdowns, less wackiness, more angst, and bratty kids demanding pop punk be taken as seriously as hardcore in terms of being ‘a vital and thriving musical community’). During this time, many bands that had started as easycore (ie: The Wonder Years) stopped playing breakdowns to show people how much they had matured as artists, and thus tr00 pop punk was born. As easycore was checking out in terms of relevance amongst youngsters, there was initially a stylistic distinction between easycore and tr00 pop punk, but in the nearly three years since that initial rift, there really aren’t any pure easycore bands anymore per sey, so that distinction is now more or less moot. With the exception of #ezcrab (which we will discuss later), everybody has essentially switched over to playing different flavors of what was once roundly considered tr00 pop punk, so this post will hopefully illustrate the different subgroups within the whole of modern (formerly ‘tr00’) pop punk.

1. Purenoisecore/TSSFcore

When people talk about the dominant snapback/khakis/pizza pop punk aesthetic, they are most commonly referring to bands such as The Story So Far and the various groups who sound like them (the best of which are labelmates with TSSF on Pure Noise Records). Along with crewneckcore bands such as I Call Fives and State Champs, these bands typically have a hardcore steez and play a highly angsty, at times awkwardly earnest brand of pop punk which, by most indications, has captured the majority of the average pop punk listeners’ imaginations at the moment. While The Story So Far are the kings of this scene and musically set the template for how this style of pop punk sounds (very impressive given that most of the people in TSSF are barely old enough to drink), Pure Noise labelmates Handguns provide perhaps the definitive example of the purenoisecore style.

Evidence of a shifting paradigm: Remember Times New Roman, a sweet easycore band from Christianburg, Virginia that I posted about roughly a year back? They, like pretty much all other transitional easycore bands from 2010 -2011, have also gone purenoisecore/tssfcore. This is far from a bad thing (especially since 1) they are good at it, and 2) playing easycore 1.0 in 2013 = you sound dated), but it exemplifies where the average easycore-loving pop punk kid’s head is at in 2013.

2. Transitandcomposurecore/Neo Emo

Another important aspect to understanding Pop Punk: The Way It Is in 2013 is considering the importance of 90s nostalgia (or pseudo nostalgia for those who were too young to actually remember the 90s) – particularly nostalgia for the ‘classic sounds’ of 90s emo and post hardcore. While it’s personally weird for me to see teenage kids suddenly jocking these bands that I listened back in high school (most of which, by the way, nobody gave a fuck about at the time – American Football being a perfect example), it makes total sense when you consider that one of the biggest aesthetic developments in pop punk between the days of easycore to tr00ness was the infusion of hardcore steez into pop punk. Modern day pop punk bands want to look and act like hardcore kids, and if there’s one thing hardcore kids love doing, its aping bands that were fresh 15 – 20 years ago. Thus, with Title Fight likely leading the helm as patient zero in pop punk’s flirtation with dinosaur emo, a decidedly more collegiate crowd of post easycore fanboys/girls started digging into the past rather than the present for musical inspiration, ultimately resulting in neo emo becoming a thing within pop punk.

More quick to call themselves “post hardcore” than “pop punk”, these bands tend be considerably more serious and ‘mature’ (read: not appear as though they are enjoying themselves) in their approach than purenoisecore bands. They also are more apt to jock commonplace bullshit from the 90s (ie: Nickelodeon shows and disposable cameras), viewing such things as symbols of a more simple and magical time, when one did not have the crushing pressure of being a liberal arts major at a nice school weighing so heavily upon their heads. While this form of pop punk is definitely a safer bet to like if you are young and want people to know you listen to ‘real music’, it is hard to say how long it will stay relevant – unlike other forms of pop punk, it has no room to develop as it is always backwards looking, and it is inevitable that all the 90s jocking will soon look as hackneyed and dated as the 80s jocking of the early 2000s looks now.

3. #EZCrab

 

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about #ezcrab here because the topic has already been covered fairly extensively elsewhere on this site, but suffice to say, #ezcrab represents the slowly growing minority of bands who have taken the best parts of two antiquated genres (easycore 1.0 and crabcore), and fused them together to create a fresh take on easycore that is heavier than easycore 1.0, poppier than crabcore, and more appropriate for zaney life-on-the-road music videos than purenoisecore or transitandcomposurecore.

While Lakeview were probably the first easycrab band, Chunk! No Captain Chunk was the first higher profile band to successfully transition into the style from easycore 1.0, and have given the subsubgenre a major visibility boost. Whether or not #ezcrab represent an early shift back to fun and breakdowns being cool again, or merely an anomaly in the sea of tr00ness that currently dominates pop punk remains to be seen, but with new, up and coming bands such as Abandoned By Bears taking to this style and running with it, I can’t help but be optimistic for the future.

 

4. Outliars, Lookoutcore, etc

Before the inevitable flood of comments accompanying any genre post come in asking why [band x] wasn’t included or where [band y] fits into this three-pronged scheme, it should be noted that while this overview certainly pertains to most contemporary pop punk bands, obviously there are exceptions to every rule, and not every band is going neatly fit perfectly into one category or another – and in fact, numerous bands have a foot in several camps at once. Fireworks is a good example of a band that falls somewhere before purenoisecore (crewneckcore, particularly) and transitandcomposurecore. The music and imagery is a little artier than purenoisecore, but it is also doesn’t sound like rehashed emo, and the band ‘works as hard as any hardcore band in the underground’.

Finally, there is a small group of bands such as Teenage Bottlerocket, Masked Intruder, and other hyperderivitive bands who are the children of bands like The Queers, Mr. T Experience, and Screeching Weasel – all of which themselves shamelessly ripped off The Ramones. While these groups definitely play pop punk and were influenced by Lookoutcore pop punk bands, they really don’t have anything to do with the modern, contemporary definition of pop punk. Rather than playing a contemporary take on pop punk, these bands are playing a sort of style of 90s pop punk revival music not unlike the 80s hardcore revival music played by recordcollectorcorecore bands. This isn’t to disparage the music necessarily, but this scene is more marginalized and has more to do with jaded beardos and oldfags than it does the average kid who shops at the mall and goes to Warped Tour, and for these reasons it hasn’t been included amongst the dominant trends in pop punk featured above.

Conclusion

While pop punk in 2013 basically consists of three different styles of music all calling themselves the same thing, sharing common ancestors (I will comfortably bet anyone that 0% of the bands above – no matter what they sound like or how they act – dislike New Found Glory), similar backgrounds, and, despite articulating them in different ways, even similar sensibilities – insofar as all modern pop punk bands basically want to apply the underground DIY hardcore aesthetic to their wimpy white person music. It’s all messy, confusing, and at times annoying and contradictory, but hey – isn’t that being a teenager is all about?

Discussion: Now that you are an informed, discerning individual when it comes to pop punk, what is your favorite type of pop punk? What are some of your favorite modern pop punk bands? Will easycore 1.0’s lack of relevance and the current popularity of referencing boney knees lead to increased incidents of fat shaming within the pop punk community? Which Nicktoon is the most pop punk?

Matty Mullins is the voice of a generation (source: Matty Mullins)

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As u may know, Matty Mullins is the (ginger) singer for the slightly-above-average metalcore band MEMPHIS MAY FIRE. What u may not have known is that he is also the voice of a generation. At least, according to him.

At first I laughed because I was like “lolwut ur in like an OK metalcore band that has max 1.5 more album cycles of relevance left then u will be the manager of the pro audio department at Guitar Center in Dearborn Heights how can u be so delusional as to even think for 1 second that u could possibly be anything close to the voice of a generation.” But i guess in a way its true– he was the voice of a generation of “self-absorbed guys in their mid-to-late-20s who play crappy metalcore to high school girls” that day, at least to the 150 kids watching them while AUGUST BURNS RED were setting up.

SWORN IN makes me scared that “metalcore w/ rapping” is gonna be a thing

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swine-flu-epidemic

Before I ever knew what hardcore or punk or death metal were, I listened to rap. This was back in the 80s, before the majority of you were born– and back then, listening to both metal and hardcore was pretty rare, let alone RAP and hardcore. And then something changed, and in the 90s everybody got the idea of combining the two. I admit, I thought it sounded like a great idea too– but wow, we were all wrong. Take a listen to Mucky Pup, Stuck Mojo and most of the “Judgement Night” soundtrack if you don’t believe me (trigger warning: really really really bad music).

I thought we learned our lesson, but I’m starting to worry that as my generation (the 90s kids) ages, humanity is losing its collective memory of the horrors of rap-core. Sort of like how people forgot how horrible World War I was and next thing you knew, BAM! World War II.

When there’s some kind of horrible pandemic, it all starts with some seemingly meaningless anomaly that in retrospect was the sign of things to come, like a bunch of pigeons dying in Thailand or something. That is how I feel about this STRAY FROM THE PATH song. I figured it was just some weird kids who smoked too much weed, hopped on Reddit, and decided it was time to sound like RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and shrugged it off… but was it actually something more, a dark harbinger of things to come???

Watching the new DANGERKIDS video makes me feel like the scientist in the movie who is way ahead of the curve, and is the first to connect the dots between two seemingly unconnected events. Like he is sitting in front of the computer half-asleep, then some little blip flashes across his screen and it shoots through him like a bolt of electricity and suddenly he is wide awake. “Dear god…” he mutters to himself, “it’s… it’s happening!”

And then I heard SWORN IN, who at first appeared to be somewhere between metalcore and sludgewave– like a more polished, sceney DEMOLISHER if you will. And then it got to :35, and I immediately jumped to my feet, rewinding the clip over and over, furiously scrambling notes with a horrified look on my face. The camera pulls back and reveals a terrifying chart:

crabrap

Will the new DECEIVED IN NUMBERS jam blow up?? YOU DECIDE

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Considering just how cyclical the trends in pop culture are, it’s always refreshing when a band comes out of nowhere and brings something to the table that can put them apart. That’s why I always dug DECEIVED IN NUMBERS, who played a very radical blend of easycore and deathcore that really made you do a double take and say “wowe these guys r not ur average metalcore band!!” Case in point, “A Hawk Named Mo”, an A+ quality jam that combines the best of FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS and oldskool BRING ME THE HORIZON.

That being said, I’m happy to report that they are finally following up their EP and have released a new song. It’s called “Unite.Defy” and it is a very promising peek at what will likely be a great debut album!

They have not succumbed to trends of nu-hardrockcore or #ezcrab, and are still doing their own thang and that is super cool!  However, I am very worried that no matter how much effort these guys put into their music, they will never achieve anything close to the popularity that they deserve. Why is that? Well, in case you hadn’t noticed… their singer is fat :////

oof

oof. also peep his short-lived tumblr where he posts pictures of cake. srs.

Yeah, this is their singer “Fuzzy”.  And despite how great he is at both singing and screaming, idk if DIN is ever gonna blow up if he is the face of the band. I would love to be proven wrong, but you gotta face the facts and look at the formula for success every metalcore band uses: cute, skinny singer covered in tatties + 4 random guys playing interchangeable breakdowns = thousands of fangirls swarming at Warped Tour and posting fan-fiction to tumblr.  It really breaks my heart to find a band that gets this formula entirely wrong by writing excellent music without properly marketing themselves to teen girls as they should be doing.

If anything, prove me wrong by liking their facebook and telling them that SYWH is rooting for them!

What do you think? Will these guys ever play the Warped Tour Monster Energy Stage at 1:45 PM?? Would they be more successful if they got a generic singer who weighs 120 pounds?? Do they even deserve to be popular when they so flagrantly disregard the established formula for success??


SWORN IN take the “cholo imagery” trend one step too far

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logan heights 13

About a year and a half ago, I predicted that the Next Big Thing was white people in mosh bands jocking cholo-style imagery. In particular, the part where I said that it was only a matter of time before some band foolishly used some kind of srs gangster iconography:

It could get awkward if kids end up wearing some cholo-style graphic around the wrong person at the wrong time. Nobody is going to mistake them for gangsters or anything, but some cholo who’s having a bad day might just fuck with them anyway.

Well, it just happened– courtesy of SWORN IN:

sworn in xiii

Figure 1, SWORN IN wearing matching “XIII” hoodies

1314

Figure 2, Sureños (13) and Norteños (14)

For those who don’t know, the Latino gangs in the US are basically divided into two groups: Sureños (who wear blue and use the number 13) and Norteños (who wear red and use the number 14). You may have heard of MS13 on the news- they are just one of hundreds of sets who push Sur Trece. Like other gang imagery, they take these numbers really really really seriously, and IMO you really can’t even ironically play with using them like you can get away with ironically saying black gangster rap lyrics if you are an alternative white person. And prominently displaying 13s or 14s on your clothing or body is definitely not the best idea.

Like I said, I don’t think anybody is going to actually think the kids in SWORN IN are trying to be gangsters (I’m sure they didn’t even do this on purpose), but a bunch of derpy little white kids walking around in matching XIII hoodies is definitely asking for trouble. Some cholo who is having a bad day might not think it’s too cool that you are inadvertently appropriating gang culture and you could end up in a sticky situation where saying the wrong thing makes things end very very badly. I seriously would not wear one of these shirts to the mall in say Salinas, it’s just asking for someone to fuck with you.

While hardcore has always been a costume party to a large extent, the latest fads of appropriating cholo and biker imagery are not just embarrassing and cringeworthy, but more than a little bit dangerous. I pray for any midwestern white hc kid who thought it was cute to get a 13 tattoo on his face that ends up having to spend a night in jail in California…

Kids, let me give you a little pearl of wisdom: when you wear a shirt of a band you don’t actually listen to, the worst thing that can happen is that someone calls you a poser. When you wear a shirt that implies you are in a gang that you do not actually belong to, well, the consequences can be a little harsher. THINK BEFORE U IMITATE!!

How 2013 kids decide what 90s HxC bands 2 jock: scientific analysis

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I get a lot of messages/questions from younger kids about What It Was Really Like Back In The Day, and as a veteran of the 90s hardcore scene, it is both a pleasure and my duty to educate Kids These Days. With the recent surge in popularity of 90s hxc worship, I feel like I need to set the record straight on a few things. In particular, that you kids have chosen a somewhat baffling subset of 90s bands to tumblrjizz over.

To help illustrate my point, I’ve sorted 90s hardcore into four main buckets in the chart above. If you ‘want to kno wut 90s hxc was RLY liek,’ keep reading!!

ABNEGATION were so so SO sick and SO ahead of their time. It is literally worse than the holocaust to see them still underappreciated!

GOOD + NOT POPULAR: This seems to be where Kids These Days get most of their 90s bands from. Which is weird because trust me, NOBODY gave two fucks about these bands at the time. I have seen every band in this square (except DESPISE YOU, who didn’t play shows in the 90s) and without exception, there were like 25-50 people watching. Except in the case of CROWN OF THORNZ, who I saw with MADBALL and VOD, and there was literally ONE other kid watching who actually knew their songs. I am glad that kids now appreciate these bands, because they are awesome, but don’t kid yourself into thinking that anyone gave a shit about them at the time because they definitely didn’t.

That said, there are still several bands in this category who deserve to be a lot more tumblrpopular, so keep digging for those gems!!

I was so excited when I got the VEGAN REICH 7″ and so, so bummed when I heard how shockingly horrible it is

BAD + NOT POPULAR: For the most part these bands are ignored, and for good reason. I assume that when Kids These Days say that they like terrible, terrible bands like FLOORPUNCH and TRIAL it’s only because they want to seem “old school” and like they “rly know about their roots” because wow they are awful and I cannot imagine anyone in 2013 actually enjoying their music.

If kids ever start getting into BROTHERS KEEPER i will have no choice but to suicide myself rly just cannot even handle how awful this band was AND I PROBABLY SAW THEM 5 TIMES IN 1997 ALONE

BAD + POPULAR: I am very pleasantly surprised to see that these bands have almost no currency in 2013 despite being pretty popular in their heyday. I will not go on to long about this category, mostly because I am afraid that kids will start digging into it for new bands that they can pretend to like in hopes of being more “down with REAL 90s hardcore” than their tumblrbros but yeah– breathing a sigh of relief that these bands are all but erased from the hardcore history books.

This song still gives me chills when I listen to it THAT FUCKING SNARE!!!

I’m cheating a bit because the SKARHEAD EP wasn’t popular (the LP was), but I always liked it. Also, one of my favorite guitar sounds ever– a Rocktron Voodu Valve into a Marshall valvestate power amp as I recall. So smooth and clean but so thick and crunchy!!!!

GOOD + POPULAR: And here we come to the real point of this post, which is how weird it is to me that you almost never hear anything about the 90s hardcore bands who were not only good, but actually POPULAR. Granted “popular” meant something very different for a hardcore band at that time (eg EARTH CRISIS were considered “huge” when realistically they were probably as big as say UPON A BURNING BODY is now) but still. It is baffling to me that these bands seem to be completely off the radar of Kids These Days– trust me, SNAPCASE was literally like 100x more popular than DISEMBODIED or CROWN OF THORNZ. Fans of Real 90s Hardcore need to dig into this category!! Please, owe it to future generations to keep the memory of SHELTER alive!

Note: When I use the word “hardcore” in this post, I am referring to the chugga-chugga moshcore variety aka Real Hardcore. While you could make this same chart for power violence, screamo, and other sub-subgenres of hardcore, I’m going to stick with Real Hardcore for the sake of simplicity. That said, there are some examples of bands that make more sense in 2013 than they did in 1993 such as BORN AGAINST but that’s a whole other post.

Important observation regarding newjack Real Hardcore fans

Let’s talk about BEARD CULTURE

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Epic-Beard-is-Epic
This image is called “Epic-Beard-Is-Epic.jpg” brb blackout drunk on rageahol

While it’s obvious to anyone who pays attention to irritating developments in pop culture that beards have become a “thing” in the last couple of years, the specifics are less obvious. When I say that “beard culture” makes me want to claw my eyes out, what exactly am I talking about? And why do so many people think that simply having a beard makes them special in some way??
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Fig 1 – an alternative white person whose significant other ‘won’t except the beard lifestyle’

The first element of “beard culture” is the idea that growing a beard is some kind of super rebellious, edgy act that mainstream society disapproves of. Like if u grow a beard ur like “as u can see by the hair on my face, i do not even give a f*** what teachers or my parents think if u don’t liek it thats UR problem!!!!” Like in the QUEENSRYCHE “Queen Of The Reich” video where they are brave freedom fighters rebelling against the fascists who want to ban rock n roll, defending ur right to rock. Not sure what beard ppl are supposed to rebelling against (other than hygiene) or why they think anybody gives a fuck about their dumb beard enough to ‘oppress’ or judge them for it, but it is clear that self-identifying as a victim/rebel is at the core of “beard culture.”

 

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Fig 2 – the guy from the Zig Zag package

The second key tenant of “beard culture” is the idea that having a beard makes you some kind of hyper-masculine dude that women can’t resist, and kind of reveling in it– like “yah im sexy and i kno it :p”. There is an element of truth to this, in that tons of girls these days talk about how much they like guys with beards. But what is left unsaid is that those girls are generally whales with low self-esteem, and that flying the “omg BEARDS!!!!” flag is  of essentially their way of signalling “hey, i’m in the ‘ppl who are not conventionally attractive and suffer from extreme denial’ club also i am dtf. i’ll literally fuck anyone who will pay attention to me as long as u pretend that im not grose. bonus points for telling me that real women have curves and/or ‘big gurls gotta eat’ as u boast about ur recipe for a Sriracha bacon taco.”

 

WITHOUT-A-BEARD-YOURE-THE-SAME-AS-EVERY-OTHER-WOMAN-AND-CHILD_MODEL

Fig 3 – the pussymaster

In conclusion, I believe that “beard culture” is essentially the pop culture version of that trap in the drain of ur sink that collects all the garbage and has to be cleaned regularly or it will stink up ur whole house. It is glaringly obvious that what we have is a collection of extremely insecure people who overcompensating in extremely embarrassing fashion. Clearly they want attention, but lack the talent/work ethic to get it thru any kind of normal means (like, you know, actually doing something noteworthy or even just being a cool person that other people enjoy being around). I mean, it’s not like not shaving is some kind of fucking accomplishment, so obviously the fact that they base their entire identity off something so trivial tells u that, well, there isn’t much else there. Just a fat guy with a big mouth who is desperately trying to get u to care about his facial hair.

hoedown from your shitty opinion

The “metalcore with rapping trend” continues

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crabrap

If u recall, back in September I predicted that “metalcore with rapping” was going to be a thing (based on the sudden popularity of SWORN IN and DANGERKIDS, among others). By now I hope u have learned to never doubt me, because when I say that a thing is gonna be a thing, it’s definitely gonna be a thing (see also my 2012 “state of the scene address”).

Via Metal Sucks is exhibit B in the case for “metalcore with rapping” being a thing:

“Well, I’m doing a mix tape right now with everybody on the scene that’s doing well. Danny [Worsnop] from Asking Alexandria, Andy [Biersack] from Black Veil Brides is singing on it. It’s all rap, but they’re singing all the choruses on it. There’s Jacoby [Shaddix] from Papa Roach. There’s Deuce, and we’ve got Craig Mabbitt [from Escape the Fate] singing on it. There’s more too, but every track is going to be someone.”

Discuss.

keep-calm-and-love-ronnie-radke-6_zpsbc3282ee

 

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