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This image is called “Epic-Beard-Is-Epic.jpg” brb blackout drunk on rageahol
While it’s obvious to anyone who pays attention to irritating developments in pop culture that beards have become a “thing” in the last couple of years, the specifics are less obvious. When I say that “beard culture” makes me want to claw my eyes out, what exactly am I talking about? And why do so many people think that simply having a beard makes them special in some way??
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Fig 1 – an alternative white person whose significant other ‘won’t except the beard lifestyle’
The first element of “beard culture” is the idea that growing a beard is some kind of super rebellious, edgy act that mainstream society disapproves of. Like if u grow a beard ur like “as u can see by the hair on my face, i do not even give a f*** what teachers or my parents think if u don’t liek it thats UR problem!!!!” Like in the QUEENSRYCHE “Queen Of The Reich” video where they are brave freedom fighters rebelling against the fascists who want to ban rock n roll, defending ur right to rock. Not sure what beard ppl are supposed to rebelling against (other than hygiene) or why they think anybody gives a fuck about their dumb beard enough to ‘oppress’ or judge them for it, but it is clear that self-identifying as a victim/rebel is at the core of “beard culture.”
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Fig 2 – the guy from the Zig Zag package
The second key tenant of “beard culture” is the idea that having a beard makes you some kind of hyper-masculine dude that women can’t resist, and kind of reveling in it– like “yah im sexy and i kno it :p”. There is an element of truth to this, in that tons of girls these days talk about how much they like guys with beards. But what is left unsaid is that those girls are generally whales with low self-esteem, and that flying the “omg BEARDS!!!!” flag is of essentially their way of signalling “hey, i’m in the ‘ppl who are not conventionally attractive and suffer from extreme denial’ club also i am dtf. i’ll literally fuck anyone who will pay attention to me as long as u pretend that im not grose. bonus points for telling me that real women have curves and/or ‘big gurls gotta eat’ as u boast about ur recipe for a Sriracha bacon taco.”
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Fig 3 – the pussymaster
In conclusion, I believe that “beard culture” is essentially the pop culture version of that trap in the drain of ur sink that collects all the garbage and has to be cleaned regularly or it will stink up ur whole house. It is glaringly obvious that what we have is a collection of extremely insecure people who overcompensating in extremely embarrassing fashion. Clearly they want attention, but lack the talent/work ethic to get it thru any kind of normal means (like, you know, actually doing something noteworthy or even just being a cool person that other people enjoy being around). I mean, it’s not like not shaving is some kind of fucking accomplishment, so obviously the fact that they base their entire identity off something so trivial tells u that, well, there isn’t much else there. Just a fat guy with a big mouth who is desperately trying to get u to care about his facial hair.
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